Laughter The Best Medicine...

[AzNsUpA-Boi]

o wait now i get it good one...

 

[AzNsUpA-Boi]

k i have another one...

one day there is a husband and a wife... the husband is sleeping and the wife is knitting... so the preist guy asks who created earth... and the wife accidently poked his husband with a needle... so he screams out "GOD" and the preist says correct... then he asks who is god's son??? and the wife pokes him again... and the man shouts out "JESUS" and then the preist says correct again... and then he asks "what did eve say to adam when she wanted to stop having sex...? then the wife pokes him again... and the man says "IF YOU POKE ME WITH THAT THING ONE MORE TIME IM GONNA RIP IT OFF..." and the preist says CORRECT!!!!!!

LMAO

 

[Gummy_Demonz]

i got a great joke:

there was a blonde nurse named nurse smith. no matter how hard she tried she always did things backwards. one day the doctor noticed this and put her on lesser work. one day a patient went out of his room screeming and saying he wasnt coming back. when the doctor asked nurse smith what went on, he the cried "you were supposed to prick his broil!"

get it??

its backwords so instead of her "pricking his boil"she is boiling his prick lol

 

[AzNsUpA-Boi]

ok... i still don't get it :'(

 

[AxL]

"one day there is a husband and a wife... the husband is sleeping and the wife is knitting... so the preist guy asks who created earth... and the wife accidently poked his husband with a needle... so he screams out "GOD" and the preist says correct... then he asks who is god's son??? and the wife pokes him again... and the man shouts out "JESUS" and then the preist says correct again... and then he asks "what did eve say to adam when she wanted to stop having sex...? then the wife pokes him again... and the man says "IF YOU POKE ME WITH THAT THING ONE MORE TIME IM GONNA RIP IT OFF..." and the preist says CORRECT!!!!!!"

ok i heard that one befor just wasnt exactly the same


"there was a blonde nurse named nurse smith. no matter how hard she tried she always did things backwards. one day the doctor noticed this and put her on lesser work. one day a patient went out of his room screeming and saying he wasnt coming back. when the doctor asked nurse smith what went on, he the cried "you were supposed to prick his broil!"

u just started a thread with that joke

 

[Maverick]

Nice one boy. I got another:

Why did God give men penises?
So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.

How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.

What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
Its Braille for "suck here".

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
Lipstick.

Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.

What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
You come in one and go in the other.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
Money.

Why did the army send so many women with pms to the Persian Gulf?
They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years your job will still suck.

What's the best thing about a blow job?
Ten minutes of silence.

Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

 

[AzNsUpA-Boi]

LOL NICE ones and y did u like irish drunks jokes they were copied and he just posted them again

 

[Maverick]

Oh. I didn't know. hehehehe... I got another one:

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

 

[AzNsUpA-Boi]

LOL nice one dude funny...

 

[Maverick]

I got this one that's funny too:

An asteroid hits earth, and Tony Blair, George Bush and Bill Gates arrive in heaven at the same time. They are greeted by God, who is sitting on his golden throne. First, God asks Blair what he believes in. "I believe in the Internet and a clean environment," Blair replies. "Very good," God says. "Come sit near me." Then he asks Bush the same question. "I believe in cutting taxes," Bush replies. "Excellent," says God. "Come sit near me." Then he asks Bill Gates what he believes. "I believe," Gates replies, "you're sitting in my chair."

 

[Amantis]

Here's one:

There's a man who's taking a walk on the beach. Soon, he sees an empty bottle in the sand. He then picks it up. By accidentally rubbing the neck of the bottle, a genie appears. The genie says: 'Thank you for freeing me out of that blasted bottle. For that, I shall grant you three wishes, whatever you want.'

The man, of course, was really happy and said: 'Oh yeah! I've been dreaming that this day will come and I know *exactly* what I want!'

The first wish: 'I wish that I have USD1,000,000,000.00 in my bank account!' Poof! A cheque appears in his hand with the exact amount with his name on it.

He then said: 'Oh my, so it's true after all. Next, I wish to have a brand new red Porsche right next to me!' Poof! The porsche appears out of nowhere.

The the genie asked for his last wish, the man declared: 'I wish that I'm resistable to women!' Poof! He turns into a box of chocolates...

- Amantis

 

[Maverick]

Sigh.... Here's that joke last night.

A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting dressed. She points to his dick and says, "Daddy, what's that?" Not wanting to explain sex to her yet, he says, "Uh, I can't tell you, it's a secret." The little girl finds her
mother and asks, "What is that long thing between Daddy's legs?" Her mother also
doesn't want to explain sex yet, so she says, "I don't know, he won't tell me."

A couple days later the little girl says to her mother. "Mommy, I finally figured out what that thing between Daddy's legs is. It's a toothbrush!" "Why do you
think that?" the amused mother asks.

"Because," the little girl says, "this morning I saw the maid sliding it in and out of her mouth and she had toothpaste dripping down her chin."

 

[Amantis]

Yeah, I've seen that one and the one about politics.

New one:

There was once a guy who complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer worked out for a few moments and soon it printed a small slip of paper on which it said: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, the guy began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

- Amantis

 

[Maverick]

Really funny Amantis. I have another one.

Following the nocturnal break-in to a convent by a group of monks from the nearby monastery, the Mother Superior calls 4 nuns into her office for suspicious behavior. Having told them that she knows they did something sinful last night, she has convinced the nuns to confess all so they may receive their punishments.

She asks the first nun, "Did you touch any of the men's...genitals?" Sheepishly, head bowed, the first nun replies in the affirmative. "And what did you touch...'it' with?" the Mother Superior asks.

"With the tip of my index finger," the first nun replies.

"Well then," says the Mother Superior, slightly shocked, "you must go and bathe the tip of your index finger in the Holy Water. Begone from my sight, child!". And so the first nun departs to pay her penance.

"And you, my dear," she says to the second nun, "what did you touch...'it' with?"

After a pause, the second nun replies "I held it in my whole hand."

The Mother Superior gasps, shocked to the core. "Well! Really! Then you must bathe your whole hand in the Holy Water. Begone from my sight, child!" And so the second nun departs.

The Mother Superior turns to the third nun and is about to ask her the question when the fourth nun interrupts: "Now hang on a second," she says, "if you think I'm going to gargle the Holy Water after she's washed her
ass in it, you've got another think coming!"

 

[Amantis]

That's a good one.

Bad Girls vs Good Girls

1. Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

2. Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

3. Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

4. Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.

5. Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

6. Good girls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

7. Good girls say, ''Don't... Stop...''
Bad girls say, ''Don't Stop...''

- Amantis

 

[AzNsUpA-Boi]

LOL where did u get that??? thats so funny...

 

[Kaldaris]

A blond, brunette, and a redhead were at a magical cliff that you clould jump off of and become anyhting you want. The rehead jumps off and says, "I want to be a hawk!". The cliff turns her into a hawk and she flies away. The brunette says, "I want to be an eagle!". The cliff turns her into and eagle and she flies away. As the blond starts to run off the cliff she accidentally trips over a rock and says, "O shit!". The cliff turns her into a pile of shit and she drops down the cliff.

 

[dl-ToxicViper]

here's one:

there were these 3 nuns in a church and they were getting ready to do some painting. it turned out they didn't have any paint brushes. one nun said they could just use their clothes and paint naked because nobody was going to be there that day. so the other 2 agreed and they began painting naked. all of a sudden there was a knock at the door and the nuns were shocked. "who is it", one nun said. "blind man" was the response. so the nuns decided to let him in, he wouldn't know they were painting naked. so one nun answered the door and then man said "nice tits, where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

 

[Amantis]

Pretty good, although I also have one similar to Kaldaris' but this time, from the top of a building with no hair colour indication.

This is more PG for you kiddies (joking!)

There's a guy who was looking for a job at a bakery. The manager who interviewed him said: 'If you want to work here, you need to remember three things: "50 cents", ''very fresh'', and ''not today, maybe tomorrow''. Got that?'

The guy said: '50 cents, very fresh, not today maybe tomorrow. Right?' Satisfied, the manager gave him the job as a salesman.

Soon, an old lady came into the bakery and saw some freshly baked buns.

'How much are these?' the lady inquired, pointing at the buns.

'50 cents'

'Are they fresh?'

'Very fresh.'

'Can I buy them now?'

'Not today, maybe tomorrow.'

Of course, the old lady was disappointed but she said nothing and left the shop.

Some time later, a man, desperate to go for a pee, came rushing into the bakery.

'Quick quick! Any toilets here? I need to go!' he said in a desperate manner.

'50 cents.'

'Are they clean?'

'Very fresh.'

'Can I go now?'

'Not today, maybe tomorrow.'

The man was disappointed too, but he left the shop anyhow. For some bizzare reason or another, when the bakery was closed and locked for the evening, the new employee was still in there (what an idiot). That very night, a burglar broke into the bakery. The burglar, noticing the idiot employee, pointed a knife at him and said, 'Gimme your money.'

'50 cents.'

'Are you French?'

'Very fresh.'

'I should perhaps kill you now.'

'Not today, maybe tomorrow.....'

- Amantis

 

[Kaldaris]

He he he
The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny Seibert said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

Rofl!