Laughter The Best Medicine...

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Maverick

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Here's mine:

A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her while stationed in Saudi Arabia. So she sends him a very special care package. He is very excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows.

He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.

Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees giving his best friend oral sex.

After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough.

She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."
 

daoffshoreman

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ok...once upon a time, a bear and a rabbit were in the woods and taking dumps. they finish and the bear sez to the rabbit,"hey, do you mind crap sticking to your fur? the rabbit says "no", then the bear says "good" and picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass the end:D
 

OniSyphon

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Omg daoffshoreman I just realized who you are so your dog retired?:D
 

Amantis

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Here's something new:

(Attention: This must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud. No offense to Italians!)

One day Ima gonna Malta to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat brekfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better not not piss on plate you sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone does. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me a sonna ma bitch. So I go to my room inna hotel, and there is no sheit. I call the manager and tella him I wanna a sheit. He tella me go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not piss on bed you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me a sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: ''Peace unto you'' I say ''Piss unto you too ya, sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy.''

- Amantis
 

Maverick

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Here's mine for today:

Superman was feeling bored after a long streak of crime fighting and
wanted to go out and party so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go
to a club and pick up some girls.
Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him. A little
disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few
beers.
Spiderman told him he had a date with Cat Woman. As a last resort,
Superman flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was free.
As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with
her legs open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding
bullet,
I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was
happening." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew
off happily.
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder Woman said, "Did you hear something?"
"No!" said the Invisible Man, "but my ass hurts like hell!"
 

Amantis

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?!?! Ouch...poor Invisible Man...(hehehe)

(I'll do my post next time, I'm tired...)

- Amantis
 

goko ms

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i am not realy a joke telling person i am more of a stand up comedain.
 

Maverick

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That's impressive of you. Another one:

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker, were sitting in a bar talking
over a few drinks. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know,
tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new
Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least
she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary,
I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured
if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the
trip, and she would have known that I loved her."

The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for
my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she
didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go **** herself."
 

Amantis

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Here's another version of your joke Mave:

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few ****tails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."

When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

- Amantis
 

Maverick

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Hehehehehe.... It's better than mine. I got one more:


John invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal
his mother couldn't help but noticing how beautiful John's roommate
was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and
his roommate, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of
the evening, while watching the two react to each other, she started to
wonder if there was more between John and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John saying, " Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You
don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a
letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm
not saying that you "didn't" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains
that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, John
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that
you "do not" sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom.
Lesson of the day..........Don't lie to your mother.
 

Amantis

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Well, seems that this thread is rather quiet for now...gotta keep laughing my friends.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

- Amantis
 

Maverick

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Hehehehe... Good one.

Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied.'

The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out.

The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they really got it on.

The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire bottle in.

A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead; Sis is pregnant; my asshole hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'"
 

Amantis

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Hahaha! Overdose...I've got another one:

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made.
The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees.

The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies, ''Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins''.

- Amantis
 

Maverick

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Hahahaha! Really great!

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."

Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you." "But why--" asked the startled father. "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."

"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."
 

Amantis

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Hehe, better be careful with kids, no?

Okies, here's one:

The game of choice for unemployed people or maintainence level workers is basketball.

The game of choice for frontline workers is football.

The game of choice for middle management is tennis.

The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.

Conclusion: the higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.

- Amantis
 

Maverick

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Hehehehehe.... I'd rather have my.....

There were these three nuns and they had been behaving very well. So the mother superior said to them 'Look sisters you have all behaved really well lately and just for that I want you three to go out and do something bad for a change.'
So they said alright.

The first nun came back and said 'I robbed a bank'

The mother superior said, 'That's alright dear, just take a sip from the holy water now'.

The second nun came back and said 'I stole a car'

The mother superior said 'That's alright dear, just take a sip from the holy water now'.

The third nun came back and said, 'I pissed in the holy water.'
 

B)ushid(o

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I got these fromm Aha! jokes:

Dumb California law:
Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

Dumb South Dakota law:
If three or more Indians are walking down the street together, they can be considered a war party and fired upon.






The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred in Los Angeles.

The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store.

At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approched the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means lay down a base of fire!).

The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting.

The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!".
 
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