Laughter The Best Medicine...

[Kaldaris]

'Nother one.
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.

After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"

Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"

 

[Kaldaris]

Woo Hoo! GO RODNEY DANGERFIELD!

I was so poor growing up ... If I wasn't born a boy .... I'd have
nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's
nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other
night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked.
I said to the guy ... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said,
"Because you came home early."

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and
a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid .... When I played in the sandbox the cat kept
covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and
a radio.

I was such an ugly baby ... My mother never breast fed me. She told
me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly ... My father carries around the picture of the kid who
came with his wallet.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said
to my father ... I'm very sorry .... We did everything we could ...
But he pulled through.

I'm so ugly ... My mother had morning sickness ... AFTER I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger
to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost ... I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me
find my parents. I said to him ... "Do you think we'll ever find them?
He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how
big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and
look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"
He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I hope you like Rodney as much as me! LMAO he is sooo funny.

 

[Kaldaris]

I hope those r funny.

 

[Amantis]

Not bad Kaldaris.

Here's a little something:

A mother had three virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good 'til the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words" "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.

- Amantis

 

[AzNsUpA-Boi]

kladris the one where someone turns into shit is so so old heres one

A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer.
She asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass the female, he told her to enter "penis". Without
blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She almost died
laughing at the computer's response: PASSWORD REJECTED.NOT LONG ENOUGH.

AND KALADRIS DON"T TRIPLE POST

 

[CerebralChain]

A boy jumped off a cliff, but it didn't matter, cus his dad owned a candy store.

 

[Kaldaris]

Hey AzNsUpA-Boi, if you cant spell my name abbreviate it with Kald, i dont like to see people misspell other peoples names. (or copy and paste) Not dissing you or anything.

 

[AzNsUpA-Boi]

origianally posted by:CerebralChain
A boy jumped off a cliff, but it didn't matter, cus his dad owned a candy store.

wtf r u talking about???

 

[AzNsUpA-Boi]

heres one

Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old
said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be
able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and
it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."

The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is
if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of
laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning
at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 am sharp I have
a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me
would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am."

 

[Amantis]

The poor old men...ah, something for you to think about when you grow old...

Here's another one:
There were 3 tourists touring around in a new area somewhere in the wilderness. One was German, the other was French, and the last was English (no offense to the nationalities, it was just the way the joke was told). While wandering around, they encountered some savages who attacked them. One of these savages knew how to speak English, so he said: 'You 3 are our prisoners now, and you all are going to have to die!'

Of course, imagine the reaction of the 3 tourists...

'After you die, your skins will be used to make a canoe,' the representative continued. 'However, the good news is that you get to choose your way of dying.'

First, the German asked for a drink of poison. After staring at it and praying to God that he had a wonderful life, he drank it and died instantly.

Next came the French man. He asked for a gun. The gun was presented to him. 'Long leeve le France!' declared the man before shooting his own head to death.

Lastly, the Englishman asked for a fork. Of course, the savages were puzzled by his choice of death but gave him the fork nonetheless. As soon as he got the fork, the Englishman started stabbing himself like mad.

'What the hell are you doing?!' demanded the representative.

The Englishman said, 'So much for your canoe, dork.'

- Amantis

 

[AzNsUpA-Boi]

heres one These two construction workers always noticed that their boss always left
early on Fridays. So one asked the other that if the boss left early next
Friday if he would want to also. The other man agreed. Sure enough, when
Friday came, the boss left early. Therefore, the two men left also. The
one offered the other to join him down at the bar, but he decided to just
head on home. When he arrived home, he heard a noise from up stairs. When
he reached the top of the stairs, he noticed that the noise was coming
from the bedroom. He opened the door and saw his boss sleeping with his
wife, so he quietly closed the door and headed back down the stairs and
out the front door. He made his way down to the bar to see if his friend
was still there and he was. His friend asked, “I thought you were headed
home?? The man replied, “I did, but this is the last time I ever leave
work early again.? His friend asked, “Why's that?? The man replied, “I
almost got caught by the boss.?

 

[Maverick]

Here's one:

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.

He come house.

I watch.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she get on train.

I follow.

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree-look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she.

She strip he.

He play with she.

She play with he.

I play with me.

fall out of tree, not see.

NO FEE

 

[Amantis]

Hahaha, is that supposed to be a poem?

Anyway, my share for today:
A guy went to the bar and met a really foxy woman. He ended up buying her a drink. Of course, being so drunk, one thing leads to another and they eventually ended up having sex in the woman's bed. After they've satisfied themselves, the man decided to take a cigarette. He couldn't find his lighter in his jacket so he asked the woman: 'Have you got a lighter or some matches?'

The woman replied: 'They're in the drawer.'

The man opened the drawer to take the match box when he saw a framed picture of a man's portrait just beneath it. Indeed, he became scared and asked: 'Umm...is that your boyfriend?'

'No,' she said, kissing him on the cheek.

'Your husband then?' he inquired.

'No silly...' she continued, snuggling up to him.

Relieved, the man asked: 'Well then, who is it?'

'That was me before the operation.'

- Amantis

 

[AzNsUpA-Boi]

LOL some funny ass jokes...

 

[shortys_girl]

ok i gots one.
An old man walks into a bar and goes to the counter and taps a man sitting down and says,"wanna hear a blonde joke?"
the man replies,"buddy i'm blonde, the 400 pd wrestler behind u is blonde, the bouncer is blonde,and the guy behind u to ur left is blonde.do u still wanna tell ur joke?"
the old man thinks for a moment then says,"nah i dont wanna hafta repeat it four times"

lol

 

[Kaldaris]

Heres one, one day a blond walks into a pawn shop and says, "I want to buy that T.V." Then the cashier said, "Sorry ma'am we dont serve blondes" The blond was furius and stormed on out. About 3 days later she went in with a fake mustache and said, "I want to buy that T.V." The cashier once again said, "Sorry maam we dont serve blondes." Again the blond stormed out. A week later the blond came back after dying her hair black and said, "I want to buy that T.V." The cashier replied sorry maam we dont serve blondes." The blond threw a fit and said, "How'd you know it was me!?!?!?" The cashier replied," For one thing, thats not a T.V. thats a microwave."

 

[¿?§ö¦åR ÎÇÊ¿?]

That's great Kaldaris. But this one better!

Three men walk into a bar. A hispanic, a chinese and an american. This extremely hot woman makes a little wager with the men. If they can have sex with her she will give them $1,000. So the Chinese man goes into the back with the woman, and they each take off their clothes. Then the woman turns into a goat, and the chinese man runs out screaming. Then she asks the american to join her in the back. Reluctanly the man goes with her. Once they get into the back room they strip. She turns into the goat again and the American man screams. Then he runs out of the back room and out of the bar! Finally she calls the Hispanic man into the back. They strip (as usuall) and she turns into the goat again! But the Hispanic man didn't run. He grabbed her horns and says, "Ohh! Handelbars!"

 

[Kaldaris]

One day an american, a japenese man, and a chinese man, were flying on plane. After a few hours of talking about polotics they each agreed to drop a symbol of thier countries power while over thier country. The Japanese man drops some ninja stars over Japan and says, "FOR JAPAN!!!", in a screeching voice. Then the plane flies over china and the chinaman yells, "FOR CHINA" and throws out some nunchucks. Then the plane flew over america and the american threw out a bomb and said, "FOR THE US, OF A!". Afterwards the plane landed in each of the riders countries and they each got off. While walking on the streets of japan the japanese man saw a little kikd crying and he asked why he was crying. The child responded, "We were sightseeing and my dad was hit by ninja stars!!". The chinese man was walking through china when he saw someone crying and he asked why. The person replied, "My grandma and I were visiting the zoo, some nunchucks hit her in the head and she fell into the crocodile enclose to her death!". Then the American was walking down the street when he saw a kid laughing his guts out. He walked up to the kid and asked why he was laughing so hard. The kid replied with, "My dad let out a fart and he blew up the house!"

 

[Renzokuken]

Pfff, pitiful people.

Heres one....


Why did the Battleforums member cross the road?




To beat the crap out of Deathmate.

 

[goko ms]

hey i need some dum quote for my t shirt i am make for graphic arts. i am making shirts with just some good dum quotes