Official jokes thread! Bring your best jokes!!!

[shrimpshark]

Originally posted by fub33
A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. A man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him and in disbelief, he asked her:
"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"It's only me, "she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."
He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple, " replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgettable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"
Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walked into the house, she said casually,
"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced,
"I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," mused. "What next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me, " she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean--?" he replied...... "You mean huh.....I can check my e-mail from here?"

lol lol lol lol

 

[WilliamDell]

This guy walks into the doctor's office and his head is orange. He says to the doctor, "Doctor I really need your help. You have probably noticed my condition." The doctor says to the man," How did you get an orange head?"
"Well that's actually an interesting story," the man says. "One day I was walking along the beach and I found this lamp. I figured what the heck, and I rubbed it. The next thing I know this genie comes out. The genie says,' Since you have released me from the lamp, I will grant you three wishes.' I figured,' what have I got to lose,' and so I wished to be the richest man in the world. POOF, I became the richest man in the world and I had a big house and cars and all that other kinda stuff."
"After a while, I figured it was time for another wish. This time I said to him,' I wish I was sexiest guy in the world,' and POOF suddenly all the women wanted me and I was having a great time. I was wealthy AND I had all the women I could want."
"Now here's where it gets tricky. For my third wish, I wished I had an orange head."

 

[coRtALoS]

That's a joke only the odd ones will understand, and the outcast will laugh at. Me? Heh, I'll be laughing at that for the next few days, attempting to repeat it to friends, to no avail.

 

[WilliamDell]

I heard the orange joke from a trumpet section leader in my marching band, he's gonna try to make it in New York and try to get on SNL. Well here's another joke I heard from someone else. It is kinda dumb, but it is funnier the first time you hear it if it is said outloud. Here goes.

This pirate walks into this bar. He's got this chain that goes into his pants and at the end of it there is a steering wheel attached. And so the bartender asks him,"Why do you have that steering wheel attached to that chain?"
And the pirate says,"Aargh! It's driving me nuts!"



Hope you don't consider that to be a crued sex joke, SkuZZy. It's kind of a coy double meaning thing, so cut me some slack please.

 

[Xtreme3]

A little too long and I don't feel like reading, lol.

Well, here's some nice short ones for you people like me.

How do you kill a blonde?
Place a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

Two blondes got in a car and drove towards Disneyland. They saw a sign that said: "Disneyland LEFT" and they turned around and went home. (Think about it first)

How do you kill a Mexican?
Put a penny on the freeway.

OMFG I knew like 3 more but I forgot em while typing these ones. Um Ill post em again if I remember.

 

[Xtreme3]

Here's another one.

3 guys went to a hotel because it was late and they were sleepy. They asked for 3 rooms but the hotel only had 1 vacant room with 1 king size bed. They accepted because they were sooo tired.

They all slept on the same bed, one on the left side, one in middle, and one on the right side (of the bed).

This next part could get a little out of hand. I tried to keep it as clean as possible and sorry if they seem a little dirty. The following contains "sex related" text. Please, PG13!

At night, all 3 of them had very strange dreams.
- The one on the left thought he was getting a hand/blow job from the girl of his dreams.
- The one on the right thought he too was getting a hand/blow job from the girl of his dreams.
- The one in the middle said, "You know what, I had the strangest dream. I thought I was skiing!"

(Again, if you don't get this one you may need to think).

 

[Xtreme3]

A Mexican without a lawnmower?
- Unemployed.

 

[Xtreme3]

Check this video out ROFL!

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/video/music/yatta.html

 

[Xtreme3]

Sorry, I can't edit my posts but SORRY FOR THE MULTIPLE POSTINGS BACK TO BACK.

 

[coRtALoS]

Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the hell out of the dog.


What do you call a leper in a hottub?
Stew


A baby seal walks into a club...

 

[Cobalt Wolf]

ESP Card Game

Burgerking Song - Flash website w/ Sound



1) That's not right ................................................. Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.............................Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP........................................................ Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ................................................................... Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse .............................................................. Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ....................................Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ......................Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift .........................................Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here .................................................Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ...........................Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone ............................................No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ..........Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight ......................................................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile .....................................Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive .....................................Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great .......................................................................Fa Kin Su Pah




The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily
against the wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there
by the wall"? The clerk replies, "Well, he came in here this morning to get
something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an
entire bottle of laxative". The owner yells, "You idiot! You can't treat a
cough with a bottle of laxatives"! The clerk says, "Of course you can!
Look at him; he's afraid to cough"!



A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He thinks about
stepping out for a smoke, only to realize he's lost his cigarettes. Then he
sees it -- in the middle of the room, under the carpet, is a bump.

"No sense pulling up the entire carpet for one pack of smokes," he says to
himself. So he gets out his hammer and flattens the bump.

As he is cleaning up, the lady walks in. "Here," she says handing him his pack
of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway. Now, would you mind helping me
look for my gerbil?"



It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:

The Japanese eat relatively little fat and suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink relatively little red wine and suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink generous amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and other fatty foods
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.



Scientists are complaining that the new Dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs,
who didn't evolve for another million years. They're afraid the movie will give kids a
mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing?
--Jay Leno



A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a fancy costume
party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg
..so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: "Dear Sir, please find
enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald
head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg,
so he writes a rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says:
"Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head
you will really look the part."

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a
REALLY rude letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads: "Dear Sir,
since we have not been able to make you happy, this is our last suggestion,
please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your
bald head, stick your wooden leg up your butt, and go as a caramel apple!"



A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man
standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle
and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of
him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man
says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.



A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture
the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make
the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he
was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer
said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never
heard of circle flies". So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See,
they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back
end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops
and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police
officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though." [/center]

 

[Cobalt Wolf]

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds
of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he
was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him
on his way with a gift cheque for $500.
At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box. The folks
at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky. At the fourth house he
was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him
up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had
ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde
fixed him a giant breakfast:eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of
steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's
bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day,
and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.
He said, "@#%$ him!!!!.. Give him five bucks................. breakfast was my idea."



A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up
leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his
apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet
cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly
medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the
top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears,
especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to
him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off
and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion, they are lying there together in the
afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling , "Well, how was it?"

The guy says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."



This bloke is sitting reading his Evening Herald newspaper when his wife sneaks
up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

What was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your trouser
pockets with the name Mary-Ellen written on it," she replies.

Don't be daft," he explains, "Two weeks ago when I went to Randwick races
and Mary-Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

She seems satisfied and at this apologises, and goes off to do work around the house.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an
even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes around, he says, "What the hell was that for?"...
"Your @#%$ horse phoned"



A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a new gynecologist. The gyno took one
look at this beautiful woman and all his professionalism went right out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to
stroke her thigh while asking, "Do you know what I’m doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That’s right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you
know what I’m doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I’m doing now?"

"Yes," she replied. "You’re getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."



A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he
would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd alternating between the bride’s
side and the groom’s side. While facing the crowd he would put his hands up like
claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down
the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard
by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing,
and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he
was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."



On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom,
hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"



A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the
family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your mom, she’s the administrator of the money,
so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll
call you the People. We’ll consider the nanny as the Working Class. And your baby
brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his
parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he
goes to the nanny’s room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father,

"Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son. Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government
is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep @#%$."



A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife
goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a
ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah,right,"
she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife
tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to
the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the
dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his
buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the
closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her
husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps
soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the
bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror
and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused,and as
he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his
dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says,"Boy,
I don't remember where we were or what we did, but it looks like we got
first and second place."



A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing
female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed
a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing
this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked
up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied,
"No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'



What PMS Really Means

Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
Pack My Stuff
Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
Perpetual Munching Spree
Puffy Mid-Section
People Make Me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pass My Sweatpants
Pissy Mood Syndrome
Plainly Men Suck
Putting up with Mens' Stupidity



Seeing eye dogs.....

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a
Doberman pincher and the other had a Chihuahua.

As they sauntered down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend,
"Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The one with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.
We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman
put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Lady, no pets allowed"

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman pincher?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua figured 'what the heck', so she put on a
pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The one with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand.
This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?
They gave me a @#%$ Chihuahua?!" [/center]

 

[Cobalt Wolf]

BTW Ladies, don't get upset or discouraged by all the dumb blonde jokes and jokes
about men cheating on their wives on this forum. Just goes to show you that it's hard
to find a good man these days hehe. And when they brag about being insensitive or
disrespectful to women and using them as play things, you then own the right
to think of them as little children cause that's what they act like.

Hope you enjoy my extra extra long posts lol.
When I get more jokes, will post.​

 

[Tacitus]

This guy walks into a bar, and thers a huge jar of money sitting on the bar
The man asks the bartender,"whats with the money?"
The bartender says,"if you can make my donkey laugh, you win the whole lot, you can't, you give me 5 bucks"
So the guy goes out back, 2 minutes later, he comes back in, the donkey is laughing histerically, the bartender then proceedes to give the money to the man, then the man leaves

About a month later, the man returns, there is another jar of money sitting on the bar, so the man asks,"whats with this jar?"
the bartender says,"if you can make my donkey cry, you win the cash, if not, you give me 10 bucks."
so the guy says "all right" and goes out back
Not even 30 seconds later, the man comes back in, the donkey is crying so hard, it can barely stand
The bartender gives the money to the man, but before he can leave, asks him, "how did you do it""
the man replied:
"the first time i told him my d!ck wa bigger than his, the second time i proved it"

 

[Cobalt Wolf]

I found some more jokes



You Might be an Engineer If...

Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending
the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.

The salespeople at Radio Shack can't answer any of your questions.

You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.

You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

You know what http:// stands for.

You see a good design and still have to change it.

You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.

You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.

You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.

Your laptop computer costs more than your car.

Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.

You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.

You've already calculated how much you make per second.





You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.





My doctor gave me six months to live.
But when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.





F.A.Q about your Healthcare Plans and Doctor...
Since I just joined a HMO, how difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want? Just
slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you
with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time
the information was gathered.

These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer
accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the
plan. But, fortunately, there is a doctor who is in the plan accepting new patients.
And...he has an office just four hours away.

I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer
reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery but I'd already paid my bill. What
should I do? You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check
over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great
offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

What does HMO stand for? This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe" It's roots
go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, (and his two assistant Curly and Larry)
who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was
poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with
hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification? No. Only those you need.

What are pre-existing conditions? This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged
when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions? Of course, as long as they don't
require any treatment.

What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine? You'll need to find alternative
forms of payment.

What should I do if I get sick while traveling? Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick? You really shouldn't do that.
You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician.
It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a
general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office? Hard to say, but
considering that all you're out is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Will health care be any different in the next century?
No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.





Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "
we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow,
and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"





An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident
of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river!
What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast
as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was
closing in on him. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes.
He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was
pumping frantically and he tried to run faster still. He tripped and fell to the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear... right on top of him... reaching
for him with the left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
Suddenly, time stopped. The bear froze in motion. The forest was ever so silent.
Even the river ceased to move. As a brilliant ray of light emerged from the sky and
shone upon the man, a powerful voice spoke to him, "You have denied my existence
for all of these years; you teach others that I do not exist and you credit creation
to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you now as a believer?"

The atheist blinked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me to convert
to a Christian after all these years, but could you instead make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice from above. The bright light disappeared. All of a sudden,
life resumed around the man. The river ran again. The forest became alive once
more with the gentle sounds of nature.

The bear stirred. Slowly, he lowered his right paw, brought both paws together,
bowed his head and graciously spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."





One day God was looking down on Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on.
He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out so he called on a female
angel and sent her to Earth for a time.

When she returned she told God, "Yes it is bad on Earth. 95% are bad and about 5%
are good. Well, he thought for a moment and said,

"Maybe I had better send down a male angle to get both points of view. So God called
a male angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went
to God and told him "Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% are bad and 5% are good."

God said this is not good. He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and encourage
them, a little something to keep them going. Do you know what the E-mail said? Oh!
You didn't get one either? I wonder why...





Three vampires go into a bar. The bartender walks up to the first one and says,
"What can I get you?" The vampire says, "I want a pint of blood." The bartender
then asks the second vampire, and he too replies that he would like a pint of blood.
The bartender then asks the third vampire for his drink order. The vampire says,
"I want a pint of plasma." The bartender thinks for a minute and says,
"Let me see if I've got this right. That's two bloods and a blood light?"





Thoughts for a Tuesday...

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day;
teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days
no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars
and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.
I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas,
some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days
late with a video and those people are all over you.
Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.​

 

[Emperor Pan I]

Originally posted by Cobalt Wolf

I found some more jokes

you know what http:// stands for.

​

I think it stands for
hyper text Transfer Protocal.
I could be wrong though.

 

[Cobalt Wolf]

Good job ​

 

[Cobalt Wolf]

Just noticed that the website for the Burgerking Song isn't
working so here's a repost for it...

Burgerking Song - Flash website w/ Sound​

 

[flashflores2]

Im sure your jokes are good Colbalt but I dont wanna take the time to read um' =D

 

[BeerMonkey]

Your Mom is so fat she get's spotted on radar.
Your Mom is so fat she play's pool with the planets.
Your Mom is so stupid she put 25 cents in a parking meter and expected a gum ball to come out.
Your Mom is so stupid she sit's on the tv and watches the sofa.