well this is my first story...

Discussion in 'Artistic Expressions' started by pyro_junky, Jul 13, 2003.

  1. LordSlippy

    LordSlippy Member!

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    I dont know but the padded wal
    wow thats an awesome sotry..

    grammar-7
    story-10
    originality-9 (good)

    NICE STUFF
     
  2. pyro_junky

    pyro_junky BattleForums Senior Member

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    your moms bed room ;)
    wow im glad people like my story so much




    They followed the cars to this tall Wight building.
    “Dudes I bet that’s the place!†Stan said.
    “your plan came through after all Stan.†Bruno said.
    “did you doubt me for a second dudes?â€
    “yes.†They all said.
    “oh, sorry I asked.â€

    Tom tried hitting apocalypse but it was no use. He just threw Stan ageist the wall.
    “time for my favorite technique, judgment day, its what gives me my name. As you may know apocalypse means judgment day.†Apocalypse said. Tom started flouting a foot above the ground. Lightning started coming out of apocalypse’s hand and hitting tom strait in the chest.
    “aaaaa stop it!†tom screamed.â€
    “ha, ha, ha this is fun.†Then it started raining very hard outside and thunder started striking out there to.
    “aaaaa stop it please.†After about 30 seconds apocalypse stopped.
    “I underestimated you, usually someone would die after that much punishment.â€

    “dude that’s weird how it started rain so hard all of a sudden like that.†Stan said.
    “oh well, lets get inside and break tom out.†Bruno said. They all got out of the car and ran inside the hospital.
    “ok now we have to figure out were tom is dudes.†Then they hared screaming down the hall. “that sounded like tom! Come on guys hurry up.â€

    “your friends are here tom, I scents there presence.†Apocalypse said.
    “guys leave! You’ll get yourselves killed.†Tom yelled hoping they would here him.
    “dudes did you hear that tom told us not come.†Stan said.
    “that means he needs us du, don’t you ever watch TV?†ace said.
    “ok then lets go dudes.†They ran to were tom was.
    “I told you guys to leave.â€
    “don’t worry we have guns! Lets shot this dude.†They all took out their guns and started firing at apocalypse. They bullets all stopped an inch away from him.
    “I think these are yours.†Apocalypse said, and the bullets all fired at Stan. Stan stayed on his feet for a few seconds and looked at his chest.
    “dude.†Then he dropped dead.
    “Stan?†Bruno said.
    “I don’t believe this.†Joe said.
    “don’t worry you all will be joining him soon.†Apocalypse said,
    “YOU BITCH!†Bruno yelled, then they all started firing at apocalypse again. Tom noticed that apocalypse was distracted by the 4 of them. Tom started sneaking up behind apocalypse. He drew out his fire arm thing and stuck his hand right thought apocalypse.
    “got you!†tom said.
    “you did didn’t you?†apocalypse said and grinned. “ha ha ha ha ha haâ€
    “what’s so funny?†tom yelled.
    “you think I die that easy? If you didn’t die form 30 seconds with judgment day what mes you think stabbing me will kill me?†apocalypse stuck his hand in toms face. “now you die, I know that not even you can stand judgment day when it gets fired at you from this close.â€

    To be continued…
     
  3. Final Warrior

    Final Warrior BattleForums Senior Member

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    In you, of course.
    The Apocalypse? Born in a hospital? The Apocalypse isn't born yet. No even truly concieved. Not even I know what he's like. But other than that the story's GREAT. You could do with some grammar lessons though.
     
  4. pyro_junky

    pyro_junky BattleForums Senior Member

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    your moms bed room ;)
    youll find out all about him later ok, the story isnt over yet.
     
  5. gostrydr

    gostrydr Member!

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    It is not bad but if he can burn through things with his hands then why does he not just burn outa that place and when he was 9 years old where were his parents. I know at 9 he is not just going around to places by himself....
     
  6. gostrydr

    gostrydr Member!

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    Lol well i dont see my post showing up but i already answered my own Q...o and i am putting this on a seperate paper to read it over again and not have to read off of a screen..it is very good 10 on my scale.
     
  7. pyro_junky

    pyro_junky BattleForums Senior Member

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    your moms bed room ;)
    read more carefully he can only burn metal... think about it, did he ever burn somethign that wasnt metal?

    edit: btw dont try stealing my story anyone this is a warning :)

    i got it copy righted... cuz i know a specail way to copy right things :)
     
  8. pyro_junky

    pyro_junky BattleForums Senior Member

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    your moms bed room ;)
    “Judgment day!†apocalypse yelled. Tom started floating like last time. “your dead.â€
    “noooooooo.†Tom yelled as the lightning hit his face.
    “last time I was just playing with you, this time you will die.†Apocalypse said.
    the guys started firing their guns at apocalypse’s back but it was no good. Then a swat team came in the building and saw what was going on. One of them took out a
    walky-talky and said “we may need back up.â€
    Then the swat team started firing at apocalypse.
    “foolish humans really think that bullets can hurt me, ha ha ha.†He stopped using judgment day on tom. Tom became a French-Fri from that attack, but he was still alive.
    “ I have to give you credit tom, you really know how to take a beating. Excuse me for a moment I have to take care of some unwanted visitors.†Apocalypse turned around and faced the swat team. They stopped firing at him. “run†apocalypse whispered. The swat team turned around and started running the other way. “now for you, tom?†tom wasn’t there anymore. Apocalypse noticed that toms 4 friends weren’t there anymore, but Stans body was still on the ground. “I think I can have more fun this way.â€

    “tom I cant believe you can still run after all of that.†Bruno said.
    “I don’t believe it either... but I swear one more punch would be enuf to make me fall down now.†Tom said.
    “guys wait.†They heard a voice from down the hall.
    “Stan!?†Joe said.
    “wait up dudes!â€
    “it cant be! We saw him die.†Biggs said.
    “guys lets keep going it’s a trick, we all saw Stan get shot by at least 20 bullets.†Tom said.
    “dudes its me! I’m ok.â€
    “maybe he lived after all. I mean maybe apocalypse can really hurt people but cant kill them.†Joe said.
    “come on guys don’t be stupid, you know that there’s no way he could have lived.†Tom yelled. Stan was getting closer.
    “dudes I know what your probably thinking, but its me! There’s nothing wrong with me, I’m still alive.†Stan cult up to them. Tom took Biggs’s gun.
    “stay back Stan! I cant trust you.†Tom said pointing the gun at stans face.
    “dude its me come on! Don’t shoot.â€
    “stay back!â€
    “tom chill that’s Stan!†Joe said.
    “dudes just trust me!†Stan said.
    “ok! I’m going to ask you a few questions to make sure your really Stan.†Tom said.
    “ok dude just don’t shoot.â€
    “how did you live?â€
    “apocalypse never had any intention of killing me. He can only kill people if he really wants to.â€
    “ok, well we saw you dead on the floor not moving. How do you explain that.â€
    “I was in shock dude, I was so scared I fainted.â€
    “ok I trust you.†Tom said.
    “thanks dude.†Stan said.
    “but just to sure...†tom shot him.
    “tom! You killed Stan!â€
    “no apocalypse killed Stan remember.â€
    “dude that hurt.†Stan got back up. Tom started shooting him as fast as he could.
    “I died once, I can’t die again.â€

    To be continued...
     
  9. CelestialBadger

    CelestialBadger Retired Staff

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    Your characters are extremely poorly developed. The only thing that we know about them are their names and trivial little bits of information, like the fact that they can melt "meddle" with their hands, which is never actually explained. You overuse dialogue, which makes the story extrememly hard to follow. Please add more description if you want anyone to be able to understand what you're saying. When was the last time you saw several pages of straight dialogue in a novel? On a related note: quit using the word "dude". Maybe you're trying to use vernacular to put us in Tom's head or something, but it's not that effective. First of all, real people honestly don't say "dude" all that much, and someone who had been isolated like you claim Tom was would definately not have picked up pop-culture lingos. You plot seems extremely lame, and sort of rambling. I'd advise you to pick out means of developing your plot and stick with it. The way you're doing it now makes it seem like you're coming up with events off the top of your head. That's not a good way to write.
     
  10. pyro_junky

    pyro_junky BattleForums Senior Member

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    your moms bed room ;)
    only stan says dude, and only tom can melt the meddle...

    and i am comeing up with events off the top of my head :D
     
  11. DigitalElite

    DigitalElite Premium Member

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    Isnt apocalypse from x-men??

    Also this seems like X- Men alot and mutant powers??

    But the story is good but as cb said alot of dialogue
     
  12. pyro_junky

    pyro_junky BattleForums Senior Member

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    your moms bed room ;)
    i dont watch x-men so i wouldnt know and i thuoght it was all about the wolverin guy or what ever his name is
     
  13. Unknown_Being

    Unknown_Being Member!

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    Ok, it was in a school where his hands were reported as burned. Pay attention before you criticize it! And as he said about Apocolypse, just wait as that kinda stuff is usually explained. And on all non technical(grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc)it's a great story. Now hurry the f*ck up I love this story!
     
  14. pyro_junky

    pyro_junky BattleForums Senior Member

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    your moms bed room ;)
    ok, heres soem more. it sorta answers a few of the questions you might have

    Tom started running after shooting Stan a few more times. Biggs and the others followed right behind him.
    “Why do they always want to do it the hard way? Stan said to himself. Apocalypse came out of Stan’s body.
    “Ok time to take care of business.†Apocalypse said. He teleported himself in front of tom and the others. “this is were you drop.†Apocalypse grinned. Next thing they knew they hared someone yell “fire†and a bunch of people who worked at the hospital started firing sleeping darts at Apocalypse. Tom was so scared from Apocalypse he didn’t notice those people until just now. Tom noticed Apocalypse was trying his best to stay on his feet. “shoot tom to.†a dart gone strait for tom and hit him on the arm. First his vision got very blurry then he fell on the ground.

    He had a flash back of that day in school when his hands were reported burned. he couldn’t hear any sounds but he saw all the images. He saw the teacher look at toms hand, and a minute later they walked out of the room. Tom was about to follow the teacher and the “flash back tom†but he saw someone out the window. He walked over to the window instead of going out the door. He saw a kid out there looking in, tom looked closer at the kids eyes and the vision froze. Everyone stopped except for tom. It was a younger version of Apocalypse!
    “having a nice flash back tom?†Apocalypse voice came from behind him. tom looked behind himself and Apocalypse was standing there.
    “why are you there?â€
    “look at my eyes, I’m in a trance controlling your teacher.â€
    “so its you fault I ended up in that hospital my half my life! Why did you do that!â€
    “ok let me explain. that’s not me out that window, but it is me.â€
    “your not making any scents!â€
    “I’m a clone! That hospital has been doing illegal biomechanical experiments for a very long time.â€
    “why would they do that? And am I clone to?â€
    “you want to know sooooooooo bad don’t you?â€
    “cut the crap and just tell me.â€
    “they did all that to create me. but later it just got out of hand, so bad that if they were to relies me I could destroy the world, and that’s just what I intended to do. They knew that I wanted to destroy the world so that gave me the name project Apocalypse.â€
    “well what about me? how did I get these powers?â€
    “I don’t think I will tell you, you will have to figure out the rest of this riddle by yorself.†Apocalypse diapered and everything started moving again. Then moments later tom woke up.


    To be continued…
     
  15. adhesive

    adhesive Member!

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    hmm i dont like how everyone is so trusting so quickly and that stan and his friends are so stupid, cause more people would not tryu to break out a of a prison to save someone they barely even knew.

    And the part where apocolypse left the riddle for tom wasnt to creative but besides that i give the story 7 or 8 out of ten

    cant decide yet
     
  16. Unknown_Being

    Unknown_Being Member!

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    CREATIVE???
    That's not creative... plenty of people do that "I'll just leave you to figure out yourself" thing!!! My opinion on the story's overall rating remains the same though... well, maybe a little lower.
     
  17. adhesive

    adhesive Member!

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    ya well this story really aint all that great. and i said that the riddle was not creative



    so like u said , u gta pay attention
     
  18. LethalPhoenixXx

    LethalPhoenixXx Member!

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    wow, pretty cool, very long....very..very...long....
    anyways, i heard a stroy similar to this one

    8/10
     
  19. pyro_junky

    pyro_junky BattleForums Senior Member

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    your moms bed room ;)
    witch story is similar?
     
  20. FiNoFaNtAsY-BroOdWaR

    FiNoFaNtAsY-BroOdWaR Member!

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    Wiked story dude! lol dude!!!
    I like Tom and his "melting powers" They kinda seem like X-Men tho I dont see it much.
    Its really long and my fav Char is Tom.

    9/10 On your Story, It is a very good plot and yea.. But theres a bit to much dialoug
    7/10 On your Grammar, You could work on your grammar so it would be easier to read, but thats ok.
    9/10 On your Originality, Umm whats this for?

    Overall - 8/10 I luv it!