well this is my first story...

Discussion in 'Artistic Expressions' started by pyro_junky, Jul 13, 2003.

  1. pyro_junky

    pyro_junky BattleForums Senior Member

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    your moms bed room ;)
    i didnt come up with a name for it yet but heres how far i am so far


    “ok tom, I’m going to have to ask you how you got these burns on your hands.†The lady said.
    “I don’t want to tell you.†Tom answered.
    “why not? Did someone tell you not to tell on them for burning your hands?â€
    “no one burned them.â€
    “then how did your hands burn?â€
    “I cant tell you!â€
    “why cant you tell me?â€
    “you’ll think I’m a freak.†Tom said. She stared at the 9-year-old boy for a moment.
    “no I wont, just tell me. I want to help you.†The lady said. The little boy flipped his chair up-side-down, then he placed his hand on the meddle legs. He squeezed it very hard then, then Andre (the lady talking to the boy) saw smock rising right above his hand. The spot that the boy was squeezing started to melt, the boy took his hand off.
    “oh my god.†Andre said. She slowly reached for her walky-talky. “I think you should see this†she said into the walky-talky.

    9 years later

    “I’m 18 now, I think that means I should be allowed to get out of this god dam place!†tom said.
    “sorry tom but you have a gift,â€
    “CURSE!†tom corrected.
    “don’t think of it as a curse, your very special.†Andre said.
    “special? Well I got news for you! BEING special SUCKS!!!†tom got up and yelled “every god dam day you interview me to ‘see how I’m doing’ then you make me melt something so you can study me like a god dam animal!†toms arm started shaking rapidly. When this happens it means that his body is trying to melt all the meddle around him, there was no meddle around though. They made sure he never got around any unless they were doing a test on him.
    “please calm down tom.†Andre said calmly. His arm started to shake a little slower every second until it stopped.
    “so I’ll stay in here the rest of my life? then are you going to put this on the news so the whole world to see? Or are you going to put me on display at a museum?†tom asked.
    “now you know we wouldn’t do any of that to you.â€
    “oh ya well you also said 9 years ago that if I told you how my hands got burned you wouldn’t consider me a freak!â€
    “I don’t consider you a freak.â€
    “well then why am I in this hospital or prison for freaks!â€
    “this isn’t a hospital for freaks, its for special people like yourself.â€
    “well you sure treat me really good†tom said sarcastically “I haven’t even been outside for 9 years!â€
    “well if you want to go outside I’m sure we can arrange that.â€
    “you mean out side as in the world or out side as in a fence with guards and cameras watchi me?†Andre is quiet for a wile then she looks at her watch.
    “well our session today is over time to go back to your room.â€
    To be continued




    So when do you think of it so far? Rate it from 1-10
     
  2. ShadowHunter

    ShadowHunter New Member

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    i like it so far. a lil editing can go a long way, though, so reread and make the corrections. i think its good so far, but i think u should get into more on the character's mind and stuff. but ultimatley, its up to u. kepp it goin.
     
  3. pyro_junky

    pyro_junky BattleForums Senior Member

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    your moms bed room ;)
    His room had just about everything someone his age would want in his room. It had a stereo, a computer, a TV, and a skate bored. He never really understood why they put a skate board in his room, he never got a chance to use it. He hates it that they think they can justify what they do to him by giving him a whole bunch of stuff. He has tried to escape more then once before, his powers really don’t help him much scents they make sure no metal is in his rang. He was looking around the room for a way to get out, he tried to look around without turning his head. There was a hidden camera that watches what he does, he didn’t want them knowing he was planning another escape. He didn’t know were the camera was but he knew it was there. He looked up at the clock, it was 10:25, every day at 10:30 they take him to the lab to do some tests. He figured he wouldn’t have time to try another escape. He watched the big hand click onto the 6, not a moment later the concrete door opened. 2 men took him to the laboratory and put him in a room with a car, a window, a camera (he could see this one), and an intercom system so they could talk to him from outside the room.

    “we would like you to use your power on the car.†Andres voice came out of the speaker.
    “what ever.†Tom said. He pointed his hand at the car and his hand started shaking, smock rose of the car and the paint was starting to peel off. Soon the top started to cave in then, BOOM, it blew up. They made him melt and blow up a few other things, in about 3 hours the door opened and the same 2 guys grabbed his arms and started taking him back to his room. He was looking around for anything that could help him escape, he saw a nurse pushing a metal cart full of cloths. The two guys didn’t have a very tight grip so he yanked his arms out of there hands, punched the nurse and took the metal cart, he melted the hole thing but a metal bar. He took that bar and hit the two guys with it, they fell on the ground as he made for the elevator. A red light turned on and there was this loud sound, it reminded him of the fire alarm in his school before he came to this hospital. He hit the down button over and over again hoping it would go faster. The doors finally opened and he got in, he pressed the button with the number 1 on it.

    When the doors opened he got out and apparently there was an ambush of five guys waiting for him. They all had guns, they didn’t have bullet they had little darts that knocked him out in the guns. Tom dropped the metal poll and put his hands up.
    “I surrender.†2 of the guys came to hold his arms and the other 3 pointed their guns at him. Before they took his arms he ducked down and slid under one of their legs. He got up and started running again. They were firing the darts at him but they kept on missing. He ran threw a door that wasn’t locked. He saw the door to the outside… it was locked.
    “noooooo!!!†he banged on the door. Then he saw a window up a set of stairs. He looked behind himself and saw the five guys coming, he ran up the stairs. The window wouldn’t open so he decided to break it open. He took off his Wight shoe and throw it at the window. The window broke open

    he looked out of it and saw that he would land on cement. He wondered if he would break his legs from a 2 story jump. He decided to take his chances and just jump. He got on the window sill and flung hid body out the window. He landed on his feet and a ring was sent through his body. He was in a parking lot.
    “could they make this any easier?†he said to himself. He got as far away from the cars as he could, he saw the five guys come out the main door now there was 15 of them. Toms arm started shaking and soon all the cars in the parking lot blew up. Now he needed to get threw the fence, he melted a nice hole in it for him to climb out of. He almost forgot how it felt to be outside, he never felt so happy in his life now that he was out side that "prizon"
     
  4. TiberianSun

    TiberianSun Member!

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    KEEP GOING I LIKE THIS 8/10
     
  5. kill_you

    kill_you Member!

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    ya i like it to

    7/10
     
  6. pyro_junky

    pyro_junky BattleForums Senior Member

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    your moms bed room ;)
    cool im glad poeple like my story




    He could hear police sirens from far away, he knew he had to hide some were before they found him.
    He started running... not paying attention to were he was going. He was running through a crowd of people. then slam! Right into someone.
    “dude your burned hand man!†the person said. tom got up
    “I don’t know what your talking about.†Tom pulled his hands away.
    “dude remember me from 4th grade?â€
    “no I don’t now get out of my way!â€
    “dude wait! I want to know what’s been going down.†Tom started to run away from that guy. “dude come on!†he chased after tom.
    “leave me alone!â€
    “come on we use to be best friend!†tom stopped.
    “ok who are you?â€
    “Stan yo, can’t believe you don’t remember dude.†The police sirens got closer.
    “ok I’ll tell you every thing if you can get me out of here fast!†tom said.
    “no problem dude, hop on my wheels.â€
    “what?â€
    “car dude.â€
    “oh... were is it?â€
    “follow me.†Tom followed Stan down the street. “ok this is it†he stoped infront of a car that looked like it was about to fall apart.
    “this thing can run?â€
    “just cant in and get low†tom hoped in the back as Stan hoped in the drivers seat. Stan hands tom a blanket “put this over you so no one sees you down there.†Tom puts the blanket over himself. The car started moving. A little bit later it stopped, tom could make out the sound of the window being rolled down.
    “can I help you officer dude?†Stan said.
    “Have you see this kid?†the cop said.
    “Hummmmm... I think a seen him running down the street that way.â€
    “ok thank you.â€
    “ok tom he’s gone.â€
    “what you pointed in the wrong direction?†tom was still under the blanket.
    “yup, he’s off our trail.†The car started moving again. Tom felt it turn then stop.
    “ok dude get out.†Stan said. tom got out from under the blanket. “come on into the house.â€
    “you live you?!†the house looked really old and vines growing all over it.
    “naw this is gona be your house, trust me to many people are around my place.†Tom walked in.
    “well its not much, but its better then the hospital.â€
    “hospital? What you was sick or something?â€
    “No... ill tell you all about it... you see when the teacher saw my burned hands I was sent to this consoler to find out who was burning my hands, but no one burned my hands... here I’ll show you, got anything metal.â€
    “I could get a fork out of the kitchen for you.†Stand said.
    “ok†Stan left the room for a second then came back with a fork. “here you go dudeâ€
    tom held the fork. Steam started to rise from it, then it started it melt i steaming puddle of metal on the ground. “... no... way...â€
    “so then they put me in this room with no metal or windows so I was trapped there for 9 years.â€
    “Dude...â€
    “Are you okâ€
    “Dude... that’s awesome.â€
     
  7. kill_you

    kill_you Member!

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    well i dont know about this stan person, i mean how did he know tom was running from the cops? tom only said "ok I’ll tell you every thing if you can get me out of here fast"
     
  8. pyro_junky

    pyro_junky BattleForums Senior Member

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    your moms bed room ;)
    put yourself in stan pusition

    this guy has been gone for 9 years, you can hear police sirens, and the guy wants to get out of there fast... wouldnt you figure he was running from the cops?
     
  9. pyro_junky

    pyro_junky BattleForums Senior Member

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    your moms bed room ;)
    THAT NIGHT

    “dude wake up!†Stan yelled instantly wakening up tom.
    “what?†tom asked.
    “come on man the guys are here we gona have some fun!â€
    “who?â€
    “my friends dude, now hurry and get up dude.â€
    “ok what ever.†They walked outside, thee were 4 guys there 1 was sitting on Stan’s car and the other 3 were inside.
    “ok you got the supplies?†Stan asked the guy on the hood.
    “yup, fireworks, toilet paper, eggs, manure, paper bags, did I forget any?†the guy said.
    â€no that’s all of it.â€
    “what is all that stuff for?†tom asked.
    “you’ll see.†Stan smirked. Tom Stan and that other guy got in the car. Stan was in the
    drivers seat tom was in the passengers seat and the other 4 were all crammed in the back.

    “so who’s this guy?†the guy who was on the hood asked.
    “oh right this is tom.†Stan said.
    “yo Stan stop the car! This is a good house to start.†The guy said.
    “ok Bruno.†Stan said. Every one got out. “ok all you hide behind the bush, me and Bruno will start the night off. Bruno opened the trunk and pulled out a paper bag that smelled really bad.
    “what’s that for?†tom asked the tree guys in the bush.
    “that that bag his filed with cow shit, see they ring the door bell and light the bag on fire and run back behind the bush. When the guy comes out he stomps the fire out with his foot and gets co shit all over his foot.†The guy right next to tom said.
    “aw that’s funny.â€
    “oh its even funnier when you see it happen… just try not to laugh to loud.â€
    “so what’s your name?â€
    “oh right, I’m ace. This big guy next to me is Biggs, and the small guy there is Joe.â€
    “Waz up.†Joe and Biggs said at the same time. Stan put the bag on the door step then Bruno used a lighter to set it on fire, Stan quickly rung the door bell and they ran behind the bush. A really old guy came out and yelled “****!†then stomped on it. “aw crap! I’ll get you kids!!!†he ran inside.
    “ok hurry back in the car!†Stan said.

    Mean wile

    “we have to find tom and get him back here!†Audrey yelled.
    “hay I’m not going near that freak again! When he blew up those cars I could have died if I didn’t run back inside!â€
    someone ran in. “Audrey we have a report of someone seeing tome with 5 other teenagers!â€
    “really! Were!â€
    “well… he is pulling pranks, the guy stepped on a bag of cow droppings then seen tom get in a car.â€
    “I don’t care about all that! I just want to know were he is!â€
    “well those 5 kids he is hanging out with are Stan, Biggs, Bruno, ace, and Joe,â€
    “so?â€
    “we have a good idea were they are going next, you se those 5 love playing pranks on people, they usually go throw eggs and places like schools and stores.â€
    “ok I want someone at every school or store in town looking for them. We are getting tom back no mater what it takes.â€

    They stopped at a school next, everyone got out and Stan pulled some toilet paper and eggs out of the trunk.
    “me tom and Bruno are getting the eggs you all get the toilet paper.†Stan said.
    “ok but next time we are getting the eggs.†Joe said.
    “Ok fine.†Stan handed tom some eggs. “just throw these at the school.â€
    Tom put them on the ground and held 1 in each hand, so did Bruno and Stan. The other 3 ran over to some trees with the toilet paper and started throwing it up into the tree.
    “ready, aim, FIRE!!!†Stan yelled and they started throwing eggs as fast as they could at the school. They were almost done when the janitor came out and yelled “stupid kids ruin my beautiful school.â€
    “watch this.†Stan said as he threw the last egg and hit the janitor right in the middle of his face.
    “oh shit lets get out of here.†Bruno said wile laughing. Stan started up the car and road over to were ace, Biggs, and Joe were toilet papering the trees.
    “come on get in dudes.†Stan said and they jumped in the back of the car.
    “ummmm… guys….†Ace was staring straight out his window. There was a small group of cops ambushing them.
    “come out of the car with your hands up.â€
    “come on Stan what are we going to do!? You’re the master at getting out of sticky situations.†Joe was starting to panic.
    “Yo relax dude I got this under control.†Stan started looking around the car then out the window, thinking of something to do. Then he looked over at tom and grinned. “Tom do your melty thingy.â€
    “um… ok I guess.†Tom wasn’t sure about using this, he didn’t know how Bruno, Biggs, ace, and Joe would react to it.
    “what melty thingy?†Bruno asked.
    “you’ll see.†Tom got out of the car and pointed his hands at the police cars. His arm started shaking, but for some reason he felt a small sting in his arms. He didn’t think much of it but it started to hurt more.
    “the rest of you get out of the car now!†one of the cops said.
    “Yo tom what are you waiting for use i€ Stan whispered to him. His arm really started hurting now, he thought he couldn’t take much more.
    “aaaaa! my arm what’s happening!†he screamed. He looked at his arm and saw something he didn’t know he could do and really didn’t want to do. His arm was ingolfed with flames burning his skin off his arm.
    “tom what the ****!†Stan got out of the car.

    To be continued….
     
  10. torrid mind

    torrid mind Diablo Forum ******

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    oh my :eek:
    good stroy but i really.. dont like this stan guy.. HE SAYS DOOD WAY TO MUCH and its getting annyoing.. ><
     
  11. dark-riot

    dark-riot Member!

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    it's good, keep on writing
     
  12. pyro_junky

    pyro_junky BattleForums Senior Member

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    your moms bed room ;)
    well sorry torid but youll have to deal with him... he is one of the main carectors... ha ha ha :D
     
  13. shortys_girl

    shortys_girl Member!

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    por que te interesa?
    Nice story. Don't leave it hanging I can't stand the suspense. Keep writing!
     
  14. seiffer

    seiffer Member!

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    really good story pyro
     
  15. pyro_junky

    pyro_junky BattleForums Senior Member

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    your moms bed room ;)
    It hurt so much he couldn’t move. That flame on his arm was so hot it was melting the tar off the road.
    “get him in the car dude!†Stan yelled.
    “Yo man that things going to burn right through the floor!†Bruno said.
    “then make his arm hang out the window or something we gota help him dude!â€
    “Yo I want to know what’s going on here!†Biggs said.
    “the dude can melt metal… I have no idea what he is doing now! So come on lets help him†Stan said.
    “ok Stan, lets make his arm hang out the window like you said.†Bruno said.
    “um.. I don’t think we gona be doing that…†ace said. Cop cars started swarming in the area.
    “holy shit! That must be every cop in town!†Bruno said. Then an ambulance came. Andre stepped out of it.
    “that’s him! Hurry up get him in the ambulance.†She said. 2 paramedics got out of the ambulance with a stretcher.
    “Yo dude put tom down.†Stan said. All the police pointed their guns at him. “on second thought he all yours dude.â€

    5 hours

    tom woke up, he was back at the hospital. He looked at his arm, it was inside some kind of glass thing. He looked closer at it, the glass had water in it.
    “so that’s how they got the fire to stop…†he said to himself.



    Well that’s all I have time for today…
    can someone rate how like it so far? 1-10 plz
     
  16. shortys_girl

    shortys_girl Member!

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    I'd give it about an 8. Your spelling is kinda off but the reader can still understand what your saying. It has a creative plot and you automatically start off with the problem. Doesn't seem to have a dull moment. So an 8 is what I rate it.
     
  17. pyro_junky

    pyro_junky BattleForums Senior Member

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    “Dude we gota help tom†Stan said.
    “I only got 3 problems with that plan†Bruno said “1. we are in jail
    2. He is in a maximum security hospital
    3. Why do we need to help him?â€
    “Dude that kids first time playing pranks he hit the school with every egg he used. Plus I can think of a number of things to do with his little power.â€
    “Ok Stan what are you planning?†ace grinned.
    “Im thinking we rule at playing pranks, why not make profit outa it?â€
    “what are you talking about?†Biggs asked.
    “I’m saying we can go up 1 levelâ€
    “I’m listening†Bruno said.
    “I’m saying we can rob banks and shit like that, his power will burn right thought the metal safes they hold the money in dude.â€
    “your mess up man...†Bruno said.
    “ok lets vote on it, all in favor say dude. All appose say **** no†They thought about it for a wile
    “dude†Bruno said
    “dude†ace said.
    “dude.†Biggs said.
    “dude.†Joe said.
    “dude.†Stan said.
    “ok now how are we getting out of here†Joe asked.
    “Dude leave it to the master.†Stan said “hummmmm... got it, but we are going to have to draw straws on who gets their balls punched.â€
    “what the ****?†Bruno said.
    “see we kick someone’s balls until they start coughing blood, then the cop comes to inspect so he opens the gate... we knock him out and take the keys.†Stan said.
    “yo cant we pretend to be sick wont that be easier?†Joe asked.
    “ok fine, but my way is more convincing dude.â€
    “yo I’m going to be the sick one ok†Bruno said.
    “ok fineâ€
    Bruno started coughing, then he fell on the ground and started rolling around. “aw I think I’m going to be sick†*cough* then a cop came in to investigate.
    “yo cop dude Bruno is sick!â€
    “aw get me to a pital *cough*†the cop opened that cell, then all 5 of them ganged up on him.
    “take his gun.†Stan said. Joe took his gun. “ok now we going to play hostageâ€
     
  18. pyro_junky

    pyro_junky BattleForums Senior Member

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    This time 5 guys were taking him to the test room, they didn’t want tom escaping again. He had a feeling today would take forever, scents he had a new power and all. He knew he could get away from all of these guys, but still he was planning... or trying to plan, he couldn’t think of anyway to get out. Then he heard a voice in his head “help meâ€. He ignored it. “HELP!!!†that time it scared him. he started looking around.
    “what are you doing?†one of the guards asked.
    “want me to take care of them?†the voice said.
    “um... ok?†tom said.
    “what are you talking about?†the guard asked. Then one the guards fainted, the others backed away from tom. “how did you do that!â€
    “I didn’t.†tom said. Then one after another they all dropped.
    “that was fun, now then. Push on the wall to your left.†Tom walked over to the wall and pushed it. It opened up and there was a metal door behind it. “now melt the door.â€
    “I cant this thing on my arm wont let me.â€
    “then break it off.â€
    “I cant or my arm will get caught on fire again.â€
    “don’t worry just do it!†tom hit the wall with his arm and the glass thing Brock off.
    “your right it didn’t get caught on fire.â€
    “good now melt the door!†tom melted the door into a hot puddle of liquid metal on the floor. He stepped over it and into the room.

    “Ok nobody move or this guy right here gets it!†Stan said. all the police stopped what they were doing. “ok now we are just going out this door, after that this is all over!â€
    “ya and someone give us their car keys!†Biggs said.
    “nice call man.†Everyone throw their keys to Bigg’s feet. Biggs picked up one.
    “ok who’s keys are these?â€
    “mine.†A cop holding some papers said.
    “Show us to your car!†Bruno said. he dropped his papers and pointed to a car out the glass door.
    “ok now everyone throw your guns over here!†ace said. all the cops threw there guns to ace’s feet. Stan, Biggs, ace, Bruno, and Joe took 2 guns each. When they got to the car they let the hostage go.
    “now go inside! And if anyone follows us we will blow the town to shreds with our bomb.†Everyone was trying to laugh. When the cop gone inside they all busted.
    “ha ha ha, Stan your good, ha ha ha a bomb?†Bruno could barely talk.
    “ok now lets get going!†Stan said.

    the room had a giant glass jar with water in it, and there was someone inside.
    “now hurry break me out of here.†The voice in toms head said.
    “ok.†Tom kicked the glass... no good. “how should I break it?â€
    “use your fire arm and burn open the glass.â€
    “how I don’t know how to call it just anytime.â€
    “ok ill do it for you then.†Before tom could ask what he meant his arm caught fire again.
    “hay it doesn’t hurt.â€
    “because it only should’ve hurt the fire time now get me out of here!â€
    “oh right.†Tom hit the glass and it started cracking, then it burst open. The person got out of it the walked overom.
    “thanks, ill spare you life for saving me.â€
    “what?â€
    “I’m apocalypse, I was born into this world to destroy it!â€
    “what! And I freed you!â€
    “ha, thanks.â€

    To be continued...




    how do you like that?
     
  19. ihavecome

    ihavecome Member!

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    wow cool... well what are you waiting for writ some more i want to see apocalypse destroy the world
     
  20. pyro_junky

    pyro_junky BattleForums Senior Member

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    your moms bed room ;)
    “Ok Stan were is this hospital?†Bruno asked.
    “oh I thought you knew dude.â€
    “what the **** Stan, we threatened to kill someone and blow up the city for nothing! You just put us in deep, deep shit man!†Bruno said.

    “now get out of my way.†Apocalypse said and threw tom to the side with his mind. Tom ran up behind Apocalypse and tried pile driving him. But right before he hit Apocalypse he started floating in the air. “you would be wise to get as far away as fast as you can. I wont kill you scents you freed me but if you try to interfere with my goal I will have to.†Apocalypse threw tom on the ground “now go or face the consequences.†Tom knew he couldn’t win in 1,000,000 years, so h got up and started running. Less then a minute of running the red light gone on signaling that all employees have to go do something… tom knew that it was either to stop him from getting out or Apocalypse from blowing up the place. This was to much for him to handle, he couldn’t believe that the world was about to be destroyed and its his fault. He heard screaming down the hall and he stopped. He decided that when the earth goes boom, he will die sooner or later. So he stopped walking in Apocalypse’s direction.
    “tom you don’t know what your doing.†Apocalypse’s voice was in his head. He ignored it and kept walking over to were Apocalypse was. “ok fine tom, I gave you more then one warning but now you give me no choice.†Tom turned the corner and saw Apocalypse waiting for him. “your in a rush to die.â€
    “I’ not the one dieing here today.â€
    “You think you can win? Ha! You don’t realize that nothing can stop me! You can fire nuclear weapons at me, I will just catch it then throw it back to you!â€
    “ya but did you ever fight this?†tom used his power and made his arm catch on fire.
    “you don’t know how to use that probably! And besides I have one to!†Apocalypse also made his arm catch on fire. “but how ever there’s something I can do that you cant do…†he turned the fire to a sword in his hands (a fire sword.). “and I can make it longer!†the sword got longer. “plus all my other powers how do you think you can possibly ever win?â€
    “then why are you showing off instead of just killing me?â€
    “ok fine, I see your in a hurry to die so why should I waste your time?â€

    Stan saw a bunch of cop cars going in the same direction
    “hay guys maybe if we follow those cars we can find tom†Stan said.
    “that might just work.†Bruno said.
    “well ok then lets get going dudes.â€



    could someone rate me again? plz do it on every thing like

    grammer/spelling 1-10
    story 1-10
    originality 1-10

    and write what you liek and dont like about it plz... tnx