Weird step

[kill_you]

Chapter 1: distruction

“this is it... he really did it.†Drake said as he look into the horizon hearing the sounds of screams and cries for mercy. Drake picked up his sword and started walking away the chaos. “he used it†Drake whispered to himself. People with weapons ran by him to seen.
“What are you doing walking away Drake? Cant you see they need your help!!!†his best friend Ziek said getting in front of him.
“I’m not about to risk my life.†Drake said.
“come on help me fight it!!!†Ziek said “think of it as helping your best friend not helping all those other people.â€
“why should we? They always looked down on us for not have magic like the rest of them! So why should I help them?†Drake said.
“come on they didn’t put us aside all the time for not having magic they... well... your right they did do all that...†Ziek said.
“so why should we help them.†Drake asked.
“well then they wont look down on us anymore.†Ziek answered.
“ok I’m coming... but its to make shore you don’t get yourself killed... not to save them.†Drake said. drake turned around and ran for the town, Ziek just barely behind him. They had the town in sight and could see the giant purple ball floating just above it. Monsters were every were mindlessly slaughtering villagers. The monsters were a gray color about 6 to 8 feet tall and had a hunched back. Drake grasped his sword with both hands and ran into the village. He cut a monster in half, when it fell on the ground he cut of the head sort of as a warning to the other monsters. He saw Ziek fighting off a monster, drake gone over there and stabbed the monster Ziek was fighting.
“Don’t wait around!!! Just stab it or cut it open before it gets you first.†Drake said. they beet all the monsters faster then they thought they would.
“That was all! Ha to easy.†Ziek said.
“I don’t think we’re done yet...†Drake said “look at the ball.†They looked up at the giant purple ball above the village. It turned a blue color and started shaking. Then smaller blue balls flew out of it. They saw one hit a villager... he was fried until there was no trace of him left.
“how do we destroy those?†Ziek asked.
“lets just run!!!†drake started running. He saw a blue ball heading right for him, he tried blocking it with his sword but it was to late.


I know that a bunch is unclear right now but don’t worry all will be uncovered as the story goes on.

oh and someone tell me how you think it is so far from 1/10

 

[bamthedoc]

Story: 4/10
Originality: 3/10
Style: 5/10
Structure: 6/10
Grammer/Spelling: 4/10
Overall: 5/10

You're right, there is a lot of unclear stuff. It's not very compelling right now, and your style and structure could use some work. Maybe it will seem more original as you write more, but not it seems to have a very dull sense of that. It seems all too familiar. And I don't even want to mention your grammer/spelling... Overall, however, not too bad. You get a "higher than your average" mark.

 

[kill_you]

hier the <<MY>> average... what does that mean???

 

[bamthedoc]

The overall grade (your average) would have been 4, but I felt the story deserved higher than that as overall.

 

[kill_you]

oh ok i was just wondering

 

[kill_you]

he felt his body being torn from inside out. He screamed and screamed just wishing for it to be over. The bright blue light surrounding him started to dim a little, he now felt like he was moving really fast inside this ball. It eventually stopped and the blue light completely disappeared. He was so relived that the pain stopped, but in less the a minute he tried figuring out were he was. Cars were zooming by and tall buildings were all over the landscape. “were in the hell am I†Drake said to himself. His sword was laying on the ground next to his feet, he bent over and picked it up. Now he really started to examine the area trying to figure out were he was. I hope Ziek is ok Drake thought to himself. Then a kid started running down the street.
“come on we don’t have much time†he yelled.
“was he talking to me?†Drake asked himself.
“come on drake hurry up!†drake could hear the kids voice but couldn’t see him, he decided to follow to see what this was all about. Drake ran through an ally and caught a glimpse of the kid turning the corner, drake ran in the direction the kid ran. “down here†the kid whispered. Drake looked down and saw a manhole, he lifted up the top and climbed in.
“ok kid what’s this all about, I don’t have time for games.†Drake said.
“don’t play dumb, you know what the mission is and why we’re here.†The kid said.
“no I don’t.â€
“Oh shit I’m in trouble... tell me everything that happened to you in the last houre.†The kid said.
“Well I was hit by a blue ball and taken to this place. Then you yelled at me to follow you.†Drake said.
“oh no he’ll have my head for this, I have the wrong drake!†the kid sobbed.
“Hu... what other drake?†drake asked.
“sorry but I cant fill you in on the details... yet, it could mess up history.†The kid said.
“ok when you put it that way I’ll just ask what you name is.†Drake said.
“well I can tell you that, my name is Brad.†The kid said.
“ok Brad I just got one question, I think I figured this one out on my own already but just back me up†Drake said.
“ok go ahead†Brad said.
“am I back in time.Drake asked
“yes†Brad answered.
“ok how far back?†Drake asked.
“about one zillion years.†Brad answered.

 

[kill_you]

“so anyway we got a lot of detail about what happened in the future, you know with the monsters in stuff... but we need to know how it all happened.†Brad said.
“well as far as I know there was this guy named Thrash, he has been working on some kind of time warping devise.†Drake said
“did anybody know?†Brad asked.
“yes but they let him... they thought nothing bad could happen if he ever finished making it.†Drake said.
“they were wrong?†Brad asked.
“if you don’t mind I’m trying to tell a story! So anyway he found out about a thing called time shifts.†Drake said.
“what’s that†brad asked.
“I was getting to it! See about a thousand worlds exists in one spot, a time shift is when 999 of the worlds stop and 1 goes for 1 split second. then another one goes for a split second then another and so on. Thrash learned how to control these time shifts to the way he wants, then he was able to control things from other worlds... doing this involved messing with time, he made 2 world shifts come together. Ours and the one were those monsters lived. Then I don’t know what happened with those blue balls that sent me back in time.†Drake said.
“wow that’s pretty complicated...†Brad said.
“not really, unless people back in this time are stupid.†Drakeanswered.
“very funny†brad said sarcastically.

 

[bamthedoc]

I'll only list what changed:

Story: 6/10
Originality: 5/10
Overall: 6

Your style, structure, and grammer/spelling really haven't improved. But the story is more compelling, and it appears to be more original. It might be best to try "compressing" this into a document through Notepad or Wordpad. After you do that, though, I will split all previous posts into the Void. This will actually benefit how "readable" your text is. Also try pasting it to Word and fixing those Grammer/Spelling errors. It looks promising as a story.

 

[kill_you]

what do you mean by that? put it all in one poast or something?

 

[bamthedoc]

You can copy it all to Notepad or Wordpad, then you can post the file you create here. That answer your question?

 

[kill_you]

there like this right

Chapter 1: distruction

“this is it... he really did it.†Drake said as he look into the horizon hearing the sounds of screams and cries for mercy. Drake picked up his sword and started walking away the chaos. “he used it†Drake whispered to himself. People with weapons ran by him to seen.
“What are you doing walking away Drake? Cant you see they need your help!!!†his best friend Ziek said getting in front of him.
“I’m not about to risk my life.†Drake said.
“come on help me fight it!!!†Ziek said “think of it as helping your best friend not helping all those other people.â€
“why should we? They always looked down on us for not have magic like the rest of them! So why should I help them?†Drake said.
“come on they didn’t put us aside all the time for not having magic they... well... your right they did do all that...†Ziek said.
“so why should we help them.†Drake asked.
“well then they wont look down on us anymore.†Ziek answered.
“ok I’m coming... but its to make shore you don’t get yourself killed... not to save them.†Drake said. drake turned around and ran for the town, Ziek just barely behind him. They had the town in sight and could see the giant purple ball floating just above it. Monsters were every were mindlessly slaughtering villagers. The monsters were a gray color about 6 to 8 feet tall and had a hunched back. Drake grasped his sword with both hands and ran into the village. He cut a monster in half, when it fell on the ground he cut of the head sort of as a warning to the other monsters. He saw Ziek fighting off a monster, drake gone over there and stabbed the monster Ziek was fighting.
“Don’t wait around!!! Just stab it or cut it open before it gets you first.†Drake said. they beet all the monsters faster then they thought they would.
“That was all! Ha to easy.†Ziek said.
“I don’t think we’re done yet...†Drake said “look at the ball.†They looked up at the giant purple ball above the village. It turned a blue color and started shaking. Then smaller blue balls flew out of it. They saw one hit a villager... he was fried until there was no trace of him left.
“how do we destroy those?†Ziek asked.
“lets just run!!!†drake started running. He saw a blue ball heading right for him, he tried blocking it with his sword but it was to late.

he felt his body being torn from inside out. He screamed and screamed just wishing for it to be over. The bright blue light surrounding him started to dim a little, he now felt like he was moving really fast inside this ball. It eventually stopped and the blue light completely disappeared. He was so relived that the pain stopped, but in less the a minute he tried figuring out were he was. Cars were zooming by and tall buildings were all over the landscape. “were in the hell am I†Drake said to himself. His sword was laying on the ground next to his feet, he bent over and picked it up. Now he really started to examine the area trying to figure out were he was. I hope Ziek is ok Drake thought to himself. Then a kid started running down the street.
“come on we don’t have much time†he yelled.
“was he talking to me?†Drake asked himself.
“come on drake hurry up!†drake could hear the kids voice but couldn’t see him, he decided to follow to see what this was all about. Drake ran through an ally and caught a glimpse of the kid turning the corner, drake ran in the direction the kid ran. “down here†the kid whispered. Drake looked down and saw a manhole, he lifted up the top and climbed in.
“ok kid what’s this all about, I don’t have time for games.†Drake said.
“don’t play dumb, you know what the mission is and why we’re here.†The kid said.
“no I don’t.â€
“Oh shit I’m in trouble... tell me everything that happened to you in the last houre.†The kid said.
“Well I was hit by a blue ball and taken to this place. Then you yelled at me to follow you.†Drake said.
“oh no he’ll have my head for this, I have the wrong drake!†the kid sobbed.
“Hu... what other drake?†drake asked.
“sorry but I cant fill you in on the details... yet, it could mess up history.†The kid said.
“ok when you put it that way I’ll just ask what you name is.†Drake said.
“well I can tell you that, my name is Brad.†The kid said.
“ok Brad I just got one question, I think I figured this one out on my own already but just back me up†Drake said.
“ok go ahead†Brad said.
“am I back in time.†Drake asked
“yes†Brad answered.
“ok how far back?†Drake asked.
“about one zillion years.†Brad answered.

“so anyway we got a lot of detail about what happened in the future, you know with the monsters in stuff... but we need to know how it all happened.†Brad said.
“well as far as I know there was this guy named Thrash, he has been working on some kind of time warping devise.†Drake said
“did anybody know?†Brad asked.
“yes but they let him... they thought nothing bad could happen if he ever finished making it.†Drake said.
“they were wrong?†Brad asked.
“if you don’t mind I’m trying to tell a story! So anyway he found out about a thing called time shifts.†Drake said.
“what’s that†brad asked.
“I was getting to it! See about a thousand worlds exists in one spot, a time shift is when 999 of the worlds stop and 1 goes for 1 split second. then another one goes for a split second then another and so on. Thrash learned how to control these time shifts to the way he wants, then he was able to control things from other worlds... doing this involved messing with time, he made 2 worldfts come together. Ours and the one were those monsters lived. Then I don’t know what happened with those blue balls that sent me back in time.†Drake said.
“wow that’s pretty complicated...†Brad said.
“not really, unless people back in this time are stupid.†Drake answered.
“very funny†brad said sarcastically.

 

[pyro_junky]

wow pretty cool kill_you... im a little confused about how this "time shift" or what ever its called works. like are the peeps from other time shifts all in the same world and see the same thing or are they on difrent worlds.

 

[kill_you]

they are on the same planetbut they cant see eachother or interact. does that answer your question?