Spun

[torrid mind]

okay so here is my story... his one i actully did write.. so ummm yha here it is....


SPUN
Sitting on the floor ageist my bed I heard yelling from outside and moved to the window to see what it was about this time. It was something different.
“YOUR ****ING DRUG ADDICTS!†my moms best friend Christa was yelling at them in the back yard
“Christa get off my property!†my step dad John yelled
“Who would you rather talk to John? Me or the cops?â€
“get the hell away from here†said john
I knew she was right... they had problems.. I didn’t want to realize it.. I love my mommy to much... John could have died for all I cared but my mommy needed me. And I needed her.
I walked out of my room, the only clean place in the house, and past my little sister who was watching tv to the kitchen. There were used syringes and burnt spoons everywhere. I got a cup and went to get some water.. It didn’t turn on..
Shit.. I thought to myself, I forgot to tell them to pay the water bill..
“That’s it!†I heard from the back yard “you want me out?! Fine im leaving!â€
She stormed through the house and out the door John following her. The second she drove away he got on the phone and was back to yelling.
“ you need to keep your girlfriend on a ****ing leash!!! no! I don’t care she has no ****ing right!â€
I went back to my room to read some more
two hours later there was a knock on the door. I went to get it was a old man with a very big nose and a shinny forehead.
“Hello I got a call saying that there may be some problems here, im from the department of child safety here to speak with a John and April Stamâ€
I told him to please hold on just a moment and ran to get my mom. When they heard both of them looked very scared and my mom told me to get Brooke, my little sister, and go to my room.
There was more talking and soon the same man came in and wanted to talk to me. My mommy was behind him motioning to me not to tell him anything, and I didn’t. He told me what was going on, but he lied at some parts, and said a lady was going to come and take pictures of our house. She came and took the pictures of the dirty things in our house, never the clean, even when she came into my room I swear she was looking for dirty things. She didn’t find much so she took a picture of my unmade bed and desk, the only even remotely dirty things in my room.
The questioning and pictures seemed to drag on forever till he called the cops. They put John in handcuffs and he was sitting on a chair talking to Brooke. It was all such a blur but they let him out of the handcuffs but my mommy told us to go pack our things. She was crying now but she didn’t want us to see. She walked around helping us pack our things. She told me not to tell the man anything and that she would see us very soon. We put our things into the back of the mans truck and got in. On the way to wherever we were going he kept asking me questions like “have you ever seen them put a belt around there arm or anything like that?†I just stared out the window and shook my head no.
Sone we got to a big house. We went in and there was a old couple there. The house smelled a little funny and there was a lot of old stuff everywhere. We sat in the den and he talked to them. Then they showed us to our room.
That week was also such a blur.. It was around Christmas but it all went so fast I hardly member anything about being there. I think I was trying to forget. I remember the last morning I was supposed to be there. They said from school I could walk back home. I was in no ruch so I went over to Rickies’ apartment like I always did. We sat around and watched Dragon Ball Z and Sailor Moon. Those were the only times I was happy, sitting around with him after school nothing to do. He made me forget everything. When I was with him there were no problems. It got to be around 6:30 and his mom asked me if I wanted to stay for dinner but I said no I had to get home. I got there and the door was locked and there was a paper towel on the small window in it so I went around the back. My mommy was sleeping on the couch looking especially wasted. I woke her up and she smiled then went back to sleep. The house was clean but almost all of our things were missing. Things disappeared a lot from our house.
I went into my room and read.

To be continued.. Tomorrow!

 

[bamthedoc]

Story: 6/10
Originality: 7/10
Style: 5/10
Structure: 5/10
Spelling/Grammer: 4/10
Overall: 5.5

It seems your biggest problem remains building the story. You have a nack for telling one, but Style, Structure, and Spelling/Grammer work could help. Story suffered from driving force. It also had a good deal of originality to it. Just work on your weak areas and improve driving force, and you'll see that Overall soar.

 

[torrid mind]

it better have ****ing origanality... and yes.. i know my gramer sux ass. i try but.. hmm oh well.. this is a story im kinda expermenting with this style of writeing... well ne wayz here is more..
Reading was also sort of a comfort for me.. An escape... when I read all I had to worry about was what was on the pages.
I actually slept that night, which was very rare in my house because there were always weird people coming in or a fight going on. I woke the next morning to find my mommy and John were ripping up the carpet in there room. They were always doing weird stuff like that so I never really payed any attention, not that I wanted to. I went outside and sat on the swing under the big tree.
It really would have been a nice yard if someone would pick up the cigarette butts and beer cans.
It was a very quiet and cool morning and the grass beneath my feet was springy and wet. I sat there for awhile until I started thinking so I went inside just to escape my own thoughts.
Brooke was sitting on the floor watching TV as usual. I just went into my room to read.
Later that day john went into one of his drunken rages again and came into my rom and threw everything around. I was used to this so I just let him take out his anger and frustration on me.
He finally stopped the hitting and yelling and throwing and went back into his room and locked himself up there with my mommy. Brooke was crying for me to make her lunch so I did.. We didn’t have much so I just made her some grilled cheese.
I read the entire day and then went back to bed but I didn’t sleep for long because soon my mommy was shaking me awake and told me to get in the car with Brooke. I did as I was told and some she ran out of the house and into the car we drove away. I don’t know how long we drove. We stayed at a hotel for a day or so then went back. John wasn’t there when we got back. Mommy said she needed to go do some things and to stay here with Brooke. Everything happened so fast. Almost five minutes after she left John drove up and ran into the house. He ran into my room and started yelling again. He seemed even more angry that I didn’t do anything so he went into his room got a knife and came back.
“Your mommy isn’t here to protect you this time!â€
This made me actually have a reaction. I grabbed the first thing I saw which hapend to be my skateboard and hit him over the head with it. I kicked him and ran outside got on my skateboard and went to Rickie’s house. I was raining and I could hardly see. I kept thinking about what had just happened but it hurt to much so I just thought about the book I was reading..
I got there soaking wet and crying. I don’t know why I was crying the tears were just spilling out of me. Rickie let me in and gave me a towel and asked what happened but I couldn’t tell him, I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t want to comprehend it all so I just asked him if I could please have something to eat. He gave me some food, chips and all that, and we sat and watched DBZ. But he kept looking at me weird.
I spent the night there. His mother was always so kind to me. The next day I went to Kendra’s
house and stayed there. She was without a doubt my best friend.
I knew eventually I had to go back, but I didn’t want to unless I knew my mommy was there. I was away for around 3 days before I went back. When I did there was a lot of yelling from john about how I was a “habitual runaway†and he was “worried sick†but I knew he was only saying that because mommy had told him to. He didn’t care about me.. He didn’t give a shit if I was in a ditch somewhere. The only ones he cared about were my mommy and Brooke

 

[torrid mind]

part 3

When ever I went away like that I always worried about Brooke. No one would take care of her but me. I was practically the adult in the house. I cooked dinner for her I cleaned up after her and I brought her to daycare. With all these things to do I had no time for school. But that was fine with me because school was a living hell anyways. I had no friends at that school. All my friends came from the highschool, they seemed to like me more. The kids at my school were always making fun of me. Prolly because I read a lot and I didn’t have the latest designer clothes and I wasn’t so petty like them. Oh well...
The next few days, I took a little pride in the fact that John had a cut on his head where I had hit him. He left me alone for awhile but as son as the cut faded so did that and he was back to his yelling and hitting and throwing and I just kept reading and taking care of Brooke.
My parents were always locked up in their room. I never asked questions but they gave me answers anyways. They said the shots were for mommies hurt knee and that she needed rest and John had to be there to help her.
Brooke’s birthday was coming up soon. In just a few days she would be 3. My grandma and grandpa Stam (from Johns side) were coming so john was yelling at me even more to get the house cleaned up.
When they finally came mommy and John seemed a little different, usually they were complete zombies but now they were just a little more attentive. I guess I was because his parents were in town.
That night was pretty nice. We had cake and Brooke opened her presents. Later that night grandma Stam was going to take us over to aunt Beth’s house. When we got in the car she put her hand over her hart and said
“What is wrong with my son?â€
She kept asking me but I thought she knew. I thought she knew we had been in foster care and all that. I thought she could tell what was going on even if I wanted to tell myself a lie.
But she kept asking so I told her about mommy’s hurt knee and us going to foster care and everything that had happened. She looked so shocked but I didn’t know why.
We went to aunt Beth’s house and stayed there for a while then went back home.
The next day my grandma made me go to school. I said I had to stay home and take care of Brooke but she said she would do that so I went.
School wasn’t so bad that day. No one talked to me so I just sat and read. I didn’t hear giggling whispers behind me and no one made fun of me that day. It was okay.
After school I went over to Rickie’s house not knowing what would happen when I left.
When I went home my mommy was waiting for me in my room and told me I had to start packing because I was moving to Las Vegas to live with my grandparents. I asked what about Brooke and she said she was going to Gallup to live with grandma and grandpa stam. I didn’t understand why I had to leave. Mommy said it was because her and john were very sick. I cried and said I could work harder. I felt like all of this was my fault. If I had tried harder. If I hadn’t hit john if I had helped mommy more I wouldn’t have had to leave. That was what I thought.
I packed all my things and got a little bag of things to give to Rickie and Kendra. Mommy said that my grandma would be here the next day.

 

[torrid mind]

part 4

the next day everything was ready and I ut it all in the van where my uncle Nate was sitting and mommy was talking to my bama (that was what I called my grandma)
when I got in the car I told her I wanted to go see Rickie and Kendra before we went so she drove me down to Kendra’s house first. I had called her and told her what had happened and that I was going to come down and see her . When I got there she gave me a little red bag and told me not to open it until I got to Vegas.
Next we went to Rickie’s he seemed very sad when I told him. I had started to realize what was happening and I cried and he held me. He held me for the longest time and I cried then he pulled me up and kissed me. It was like everything I had ever read or had seen in movies was happening. The floaty feeling like some one had turned of the gravity and time stood still. My hart was racing and his kiss felt like a wisp of fresh air, so light, and I wished for it to go on forever. And it seemed like it did. And then I felt a tear, but it wasn’t one of mine. It came from him.
Then it ended. Just like that it was over but I was left with the feeling. I had not felt happiness like this in so long. He was crying too. He told me I had to go that my grandparents were waiting for me, but first he gave me a tape. It had nothing written on it and he told me to watch it when I got there.

The trip to Vegas seemed like far more than 8 hours. It dragged on for an eternity. All my thoughts were going so fast through my head. I want this all to end. I wanted to be there and have this all over with.
I slept
when I woke I suddenly knew. I suddenly knew what was happening why I had to go live with them everything that had ever happened to me was suddenly put together. It must have started in 7th grade, I thought, when mommy hurt her knee and she was put on all kinds of meds.
I felt like I had broken into a billion little pieces. I knew this had to be my fault. Maybe she didn’t love me so she got addicted to drugs just to get rid of me. Maybe I wasn’t good enough. I was just her stupid mistake.

 

[UltimateJim]

holy SH*T you write enough? very good

Story: 8/10
Originality: 9/10
Style: 5/10
Structure: 4/10
Spelling/Grammer: 6/10
Overall: 7

 

[D.F.I.]

excelllent....this is really cool.....

Story: 10
Originality: 8
Style: 6
Structure: 4
Spelling/Grammar: 5
Overall: 7

 

[pyro_junky]

does it end that way or is there going to be more?... sad sad sad ending tho

 

[TiberianSun]

good good good 8.5/10 overall

 

[torrid mind]

yes there will be more.. sry i havent had time to write i will in a lil though...

 

[pyro_junky]

ok take ur time

 

[<><CoRwIn><>]

Wow, man, I must say that's an excellent story so far. The only qualm I have is the slightly weak plot, which doesn't really drag, but doesn't leave anything new around the corner. I don't care about the spelling mistakes, though, it's not a midterm english paper. I give it one and a half thumbs up. Strengthen the plot and you'd have good novel material.

 

[torrid mind]

ok take ur time
okay i will
yha.. i relize i didnt really give much effort into the structure..

 

[flashflores2]

ill pretent i read that ..again

Story: 10
Originality: 10
Style: 10
Structure: 10
Spelling/Grammar: 10
Overall: 100 for my princess =D

 

[torrid mind]

I finally got to Vegas.
The next few days was pretty much me just sitting around the house watching every DVD we had at least 3 times. I couldn’t get into school yet. I had left so suddenly I didn’t have a chance to turn in my books or anything.
It was a VERY long proses trying to get me into school. I really couldn’t wait to get back into a school. Something to take my mind off.. Everything. Until then id just sit here and food binge.
It took almost a month but I got back into school. It wasn’t that great. I just sat at the back of the room reading. I had no friends so there wasn’t much to do. I had myself convinced I was going to move back. 2 months she said.. 2 months.
I pushed everyone away. I felt no need to get to comfortable here. I wasn’t going to be here that long.
2 months turned into 7 and I met Courtney. She was a senior at my school. She seemed to take a personal interest in me. I tried to push her away but she wouldn’t let me. She was so persistent. Always insisting I come and sit with them before school. I gave up eventually and we became fast friends. She was bi-polar and sort of understood what “I was going throughâ€
I didn’t know why.. Everyone was always saying I was going through something. I didn’t know what. If they were taking about my mom im moving back soon. So its not really like im going through anything.
Courtney was a “tweaker†which pretty much means she does drugs. At first I didn’t really approve of it. I wasn’t against it much. As long as she didn’t do it around me I was fine.
Well one day, I was cleaning my room and found a box of random stuff in my closet. In it I found a red bag and a video tape. I wasn’t sure where from at first. But then it struck me that these were the things Rickey and Kendra had given me. In the red bag was a few small items I had always liked to play with when I was over at her house, the gooze a little slinky, small things like that. I went into the living room and popped in the tape. It was sailor moon. Lots of episodes of sailor moon. Enough to fill and entire video tape. Watching it brought up the sadness. I feel over on the couch and lay there crying for hours. Time was lost. I don’t even remember what I was thinking. One moment I was inside weeping the next I was running outside through the rain. I ended up at Courtney’s door. I must have been a bit odd to see. I was probably the last person she would expect to see standing soaking wet at her door.
“Give me drugs†I said
“what?!â€
“Give me drugs. I want away from this feeling I need it gone. I want it gone. Give me drugs. Make it leaveâ€
“here just.. Come insideâ€
she brought me down into the basement/music room and gave me a towel. I sat on the couch and she went to the small fridge in the corner. She grabbed out two hard mikes and came and sat on the chair opposite of me.
“Now, what is all this about?â€
“I just want it gone. I want all these feelings gone.â€
“Are you sure? Im not going to give you anything unless your sure you want it.â€
“Yes im sure.â€
She looked at me alittle odd. Like she wasn’t sure. She thought for awhile then said
“alright. What do you want?â€

 

[pyro_junky]

no! dont take the drugs!

anyway its about time you started again

 

[torrid mind]

heh.. yha took me awhile to get started agein

 

[pyro_junky]

i wonder how old i will be when this story is over...

 

[Unknown_Being]

I see one weakness worth mentioning so far... just as everything in his life is going in a rush, the story is read fast. It's like:
I went over there and then so and so happened it was so fast and I said so andm so and so then I started crying and I wished that life would end
I don't know if you understand what I'm talking about, but it don't matter!
Originality/6, 8(It's sorta both, hard to explain)
Technicalaity: BAH 9(as opposed to other stories of course)
My god damned f*cking own god damned god f*cking damned opinionlol sry 'bout that) 8

 

[pyro_junky]

i didnt have any proublems reading it, however i wish he woulkd hurry up