Diary type story

[Hot Action Cop]

Needs more passion in it.... its feeling dry like... he doesnt seem to care about those 70 people. Its like... Hi. I killed. Someone. Today. Oh. No. Its. Gonna rain.

Story: 7 Comments: seems like a good idea just needs more developing
Creativity: 6. Comments: Could use a little revamping on some of it
Grammer: 9 i find few and far. good job
Passion: 2.5 Comments; WAY tooo dry!

overall: 5.5

 

[ChrisH36]

Hell --- A Short Story by Hellwolf_36

My Diary ~ June 18, 2090 AD

My name is Joshua Nighswander, I was once a convict of the Terran Dominion lead by Mengsk because I shot 70 people at the Kel-Morain Combine Outpost on the planet Tarsonis, I felt that violence and murder was true form of strength, since I killed to be stronger. I recently landed on a fiery, volcanic, lava infested planet called Char. This planet has become a battleground for the biggest war of them all, the war for the Overmind. I may have killed 70 people and have been putten through mind-conditioning, but never have I seen death first hand. I have encountered the demons of this planet that claimed more lives than I can do in one day, owned more territory then Russia itself, and more bloody then the hellish battles of World War 3 (happened in the year 2021). I have been welcomed, welcomed into the gates of hell by the devils themselves. If I manage to survive, then God will protect me from these vile fiends, but there is a time in one's life, when a man must defend for himself. As probably my last entry, I have decided to rest eternally, knowing this lesson before the Gates of Death welcome me.
~Joshua