Chaos Frontier

[-MatriX-]

Chaos Frontier​

Author: The_Matrix_Reloaded​

​

[GLOW=RED]Chapter 1: Fate's beginning[/GLOW]

In the Realm of Haduras, King Eithus Scott was ruler of only 3 of the 7 Universes of Haduras which in all holds several hundred million super clusters. He soon decided that his ally, Shurgon had gone too far and taken control of too many super clusters. He had to do something before his kingdom was taken over. He had to rebel soon or his super metropolis of A-01 would be taken control of by Shurgon. The army of Shurgon was far bigger then King Eithus but he had the brains to destroy them all. Before notifying the metropolis about the upcoming war he visited a super psychic. She was true and had never been wrong. Her prophecy told that if he did not destroy all of Shurgon and his colony then his life would be taken as well as his metropolis of A-01, but if he rebelled and destroyed Lord Shurgon his colony would expand and rule all of Haduras. After making a commitment to his God Tahla he told the whole metropolis at one time that they were going to war and were recruiting over 350 billion soldiers. At this, the followers left for King Eithus were convinced that they could win. They formed a celebration in honor of King Eithus Scott and declared that, without a doubt they would win and would celecrate once again by building new colonies in the other 4 universes. The King did recruit over 400 billion soldiers leaving 7/8 of the population left. The war soon began and as Shurgon, surprised just as much angry, revolted with over 2 trillion soldiers.

Shurgon was infuriated and called a council meeting to find out why King Eithus was attacking. First Lord Shurgon of the Psynokes would speak of anything he so desired.

Lord Shurgon: "D*** you, Eithus! Why have you begun war with my colony?! If this is about land I have only taken what is unused by your puny civilization!"
King Eithus: "You have taken over many of my Super clusters and if you continue you will rage into my territory and destroy all of what is A-01. I have seen a psychic and her prophecy foretold that if I do not destroy your colony that my life as well as my civilization will be destroyed!"
After several hours of discussing, they left the council without any changes. The war continued.

With the fight holding up evenly, the war continued for several days with King Eithus army down to 346 billion and Shurgon's still a strong 2 trillion. The war dragged for weeks and soon King Eithus' army soon dwindled to less then 2/3 of the army left. He feared the loss of his life and his civilization so he saught out the psychic again to ask if she was lying. Simply, she said no, but she told him to recruit exactly 2 million more recruits exactly and he would surely win. None less, none more. He was dumbfounded by the psychic's prophecy but decided to follow the request of her. What he wouldn't know is that the 2 million would effect the colony more then he thought...

Okay I improved it but not that much is it any better now?

[GLOW=BLUE]- The_Matrix_Reloaded[/GLOW]

 

[bamthedoc]

Ya... Suggestion might be to think out the plot a bit more before writing. It looks like you have the basic idea down, and that looks interesting. The problem is that there just isn't enough here in the way of plot and driving force.

Also, try to expand it. A lot happened in that paragraph. It likely would be better if you spread it out to include dialouge and maybe more action and description.

Hope that helps.

 

[-MatriX-]

Man THAT makes me feel better... Okay fine I'll edit when I can find the time and spread it out more.

[GLOW=BLUE]- The_Matrix_Reloaded[/GLOW]

 

[bamthedoc]

I didn't mean to insult you. I just tell it as it is. You put too much into a very short space. The concept looks good but needs more...dramatic flare, so to speak.

For example:

What are the thoughts of the other king? What is the main character thinking? What are his plans? How is his army the only one losing men? How come the psychic's prophocy takes to long to come into action?

You could also use a bit more foreshadowing. You could also show what the people of the kingdom are thinking. One suggestion though, you could look through the FF and find some of the stories submitted. Use those as inspiration if you want, but keep in mind how they go about telling a story.

 

[-MatriX-]

Okay I'll edit it later today. I'll Fix it and add more.

[GLOW=BLUE]- The_Matrix_Reloaded[/GLOW]