Short story

[S.S. Trunks]

As i fell to the floor i felt the vibration of his feet pounding the floor as he dashed towards me. As he grabbed my throat to raise me to his level i strained for breath.Suddenly he jerked my head to the side and embraced me.The kindreds strength was astounding as my feet hovered above the floor.His bite and grip were strong,to strong to break free by my own strength. I felt around everywhere feeling for something that would break his embrace,but it was to late he had finished with me and i was tossed aside like a rag doll. In a second no longer than the blink of an eye he disapeared and left me against that wall with a burning through my blood i had never felt before. The feeling was intense. It was pain and pleasure fused and intwined.The pain caused me to bite my lip until i suddenly felt blood rushing from within to exit through the newly created tear. As i reached up to feel what caused the tear i had slight hesitation but felt on in curiosity. It was amazing, my canines grew nearly twice in size and felt as if they were peirced and hollowed for a tube or hose used to suck in liguid.It was then when i realized he had not left me for dead but that he had left me to live an eternal life of which i knew perfectly well the consiquences.Knowing that i would need to feed off blood to survive however did not bother me for i loved the taste of it before and now i would love it more.

to be continued.....some other time

[Static]

Story time .... The perspective took a turn for the worse and It rendered lifeless and totally unaware of the surrounding banter. A shift to the left and a cranium bash that shook the mind of the G-man.

Story time rules.

Lig a guing gligga gigga googa gwey oh go.

[l33t 0n3]

sounds like a homosexual romance novel, no offence.

Blanking some words out to make it nasty:

As i fell to the floor i felt the vibration of his **** pounding the *** as he dashed towards me. As he grabbed my **** to raise me to his level i strained for breath. Suddenly he jerked my **** to the side and embraced me.The kindreds strength was astounding as my **** hovered above the floor.His bite and grip were strong, to strong to break free by my own strength. I felt around everywhere feeling for something that would break his embrace,but it was to late he had finished with me and i was tossed aside like a rag doll.

And a short story is more like 4-10 pages, not a paragraph

[S.S. Trunks]

no a short story is 2 to 5 pages not 4 to 10

[kairama15]

Wow, that DOES sort of sound like a sex thingy. hahhah. but it's pretty gruesome too. lol

[Magikarp]

Originally Posted by S.S. Trunks

As i fell to the floor i felt the vibration of his feet pounding the floor as he dashed towards me. As he grabbed my throat to raise me to his level i strained for breath.Suddenly he jerked my head to the side and embraced me.The kindreds strength was astounding as my feet hovered above the floor.His bite and grip were strong,to strong to break free by my own strength. I felt around everywhere feeling for something that would break his embrace,but it was to late he had finished with me and i was tossed aside like a rag doll. In a second no longer than the blink of an eye he disapeared and left me against that wall with a burning through my blood i had never felt before. The feeling was intense. It was pain and pleasure fused and intwined.The pain caused me to bite my lip until i suddenly felt blood rushing from within to exit through the newly created tear. As i reached up to feel what caused the tear i had slight hesitation but felt on in curiosity. It was amazing, my canines grew nearly twice in size and felt as if they were peirced and hollowed for a tube or hose used to suck in liguid.It was then when i realized he had not left me for dead but that he had left me to live an eternal life of which i knew perfectly well the consiquences.Knowing that i would need to feed off blood to survive however did not bother me for i loved the taste of it before and now i would love it more.

to be continued.....some other time

That has got to be the gayest **** I've ever read.

Originally Posted by l33t on3

As i fell to the floor i felt the vibration of his **** pounding the *** as he dashed towards me. As he grabbed my **** to raise me to his level i strained for breath. Suddenly he jerked my **** to the side and embraced me.The kindreds strength was astounding as my **** hovered above the floor.His bite and grip were strong, to strong to break free by my own strength. I felt around everywhere feeling for something that would break his embrace,but it was to late he had finished with me and i was tossed aside like a rag doll.

RoFL! Now that.. was good.

[bamthedoc]

I would like to remind you all of the rules before I give anybody a warning. I see dangerous treading towards the breaking of Rule 1 -- absolutely no flaming of any kind!

[Magikarp]

Most of the time, I give good reviews. In fact, I generally give some of the longest replies. But that story.. it doesn't even deserve to exist. Like l33t on3 said, it's a friggin' paragraph. If anything, bam, you should toss this thread.

Originally Posted by S.S. Trunks

I felt around

First read as "I felt aroused."

And if this is some lame attempt to describe a DBZ scene.. stop. Do it for the children .

[Gayelle Force]

Leviathan, you're just a poo face.

Don't listen to him S.S trunks, bloody flamers.
I am giving helpfull advice, don't take it as flaming. I love writing stories myself. (Many worse than the worst thing you've ever read.) What you need to do it figure out where the paragraphs are supposed to be, then put in a few more commas, alot of the sentences were too long.

I understood the message you were getting across, heh heh, cool vampyres (i like spelling stuff wierd).

I am one of the people who find a whole mass of words really hard to keep track of.
If you have paragraphs then it will be easy to keep track of and give the story a visual form.
Maybe try using the 'return' key after these sentences:

'and embraced me'
'aside like a rag doll'
'pain and pleasure fused and entwined'
'used to suck in liguid' <-- spelling mistake (just to point out)

that's all you need for paragraphs to make it easier to read.

And to make the ending maybe a slight bit better, put and elipsis (...) before you say 'i would love it more'.

Other wise this is very good.

screw the flamers, i can come up with words none of them could even begin to comprehend, it is just funny watching.

Keep writing this story! It could be really good!

(And maybe read mine? 9-9 puppy dog eyes (i know bamthedoc doesn't like puppy dog eyes but ...... he he) my story is called Moon Clan.)

^-^ write on!!!