First Attempt

[Ixon]

k, well, this is my first attempt at writing anything not school related so...if its crap, let me know


Derek is haunted by his memories. Since he can remember, he has been ridiculed because of his looks and opinions. As he walks home from school, he can still remember the time the others laughed in his face because he was crying; Derek was 7. He continues his walk home and vividly recalls the time he was given a broken collar bone and robbed of his lunch money because he had ratted them out to their teacher; Derek was 11. He then replays the death of his brother, him waiting and watching as his brother's last words slipped away from his mouth and was gone from them; Derek was 15. As he waits at the intersection, three blocks from his home, he notices a small child step into the lane. Chasing a tennis ball, the child has no idea that a car is speeding its way towards him. Derek runs into the lane and pushes the kid out of the way. As he is thinking in the moments before the collision, Derek slowly recalls the last words of his brother. "Life...is precious....and short....hold on.....and never...let go....". In the last second before he is thrown twenty feet away by the still speeding car, Derek loses all sense of feelings and revels in the sense of perfect harmony. "So this is what heaven is like", he thinks to himself. He is then hit by the car and thrown twenty feet impacting on the concrete; Derek was 17.

[bamthedoc]

Story 6/10
Originality 5/10
Style 7/10
Structured 7/10
Spelling/Grammer 8/10
Overall 7

Interesting, if a bit sad. But you scored so low on Originality because the way Derek died was almost straight from an anime. I won't name names. But it looks like you payed a lot of attention to Grammer (so I assume you payed attention to details). It is a bit short for my taste, however.

[Ixon]

yeah, i couldnt figure out how he died, and the ending did seem like from the anime now that i think about it :P

[torrid mind]

hahahaha bam if you did that to mine id get a 0 out of 10 for gramer/spelling! even if i did type it up on wordpro 1st lol

ne wayz ixon that was good! you told me it sucked you penis wrinkle!

yha it does look like a certen lil anime i actully do enjoy even though i cant stand some of the chars...
it is sad and being sad makes it beautiful
keep writeing

[bamthedoc]

Uh...yeah...sad makes it good... I guess I can expect that from a Cowboy Bebop fan. I, most/all of the time, prefer at least a little happier ending. But...that's me. But, if you write a story, you'll see how I grade. I try to check all stories as I hope mine will be.

[torrid mind]

oh your one of THEM eh? the ppl who like HAPPY endings... the scented toleit paper bunnyes and all that lovely **** eh?
haha okay so ne wayz i did write one but its kinda like half story half poem.. i duno...
lol the thread is "hmm i guess"

[bamthedoc]

Yes, I read it. I also left my opinion for you. I didn't mean to insult you; I hope you know. I just had a sinking suspicion you'd like it for that reason. That tis all.

[torrid mind]

wow bam that made no ****ing sense whatsoever 1st time for you
what the hell r u talking about insulting??? YOUR CONFUSING YOUR QUEEN!

do you mean i liked your thingy cuz it was insulting??? cuz i didnt find it insulting at all...

[bamthedoc]

No...I actually, for some reason, thought that you may have thought that I insulted you when I said, "I guess I can expect that from a Cowboy Bebop fan." I guess I was mistaken.

[torrid mind]

lol no haha i was just kidding.

[bamthedoc]

Ah. Okay.

[kill_you]

that's a sad sad story...

[D.F.I.]

pretty sad.......but...that deserves a 6/10.