hmm i guess..

[torrid mind]

i guess this is kinda half poem half staory.. its not exactly fan fic.. but hmm oh well
On a piece of sunshine yellow paper johhny wrote a poem and he called it happy becuz that was what it was all about. And his teacher gave him an A and his mother hung it on the kitchen door and that was the year the girl around the corner gave him a valentines day card and every night his father tucked him in and all was good.
On a white piece of paper with blue lines johnny wrote a poem called everything becuz that was what it was all about. And his teacher gave him an A- and his mom couldn’t hang it on the kitchen door cuz it had just been panted.. And that was the year the girl around the corner called him dumb and he could hear his parents yelling but he still thought everything was good...
On a plane white piece of paper johnny wrote a poem called all around becuz that was what it was all about. And his teacher gave him a C and his mother still didn’t hang it on the kitchen door becuz it was full of things of his sisters. And the girl around the corner wore to much make up and it made him cough but he kissed her anyway becuz that was the thing to do. And his father never tucked him in at night and he yelled at him when he cried for him to.
On a black piece of paper johnny wrote a poem called kersone and that was what it was all about and that was the year his mother died and his father started drinking and his sister was killed and the girl around the corner moved away and he became the outcast and he had to make his father dinner and make him go to bed at night.
On the back of a paper bag johnny wrote a poem called absolutely nothing becuz that was what it was all about and he gave himself to slits on his writs and hung it on the bathroom door becuz he couldn’t make it to the kitchen.

[Ixon]

*stunned* Torrid....that was deeply amazing...and deeply saddening at the same time....good job would be the thing to say

[daoffshoreman]

that was deep, torrid....god....i have so much work to do on this society....

[torrid mind]

well thx to both of you
im working on putting more detale in it and when i do i will like post it.. or sumthing

[bamthedoc]

I have to be honest in my opinion, and that involves rating it.

Story 7/10
Originality 7/10
Style 8/10
Structured 5/10
Spelling/Grammer 4/10
Overall 7

With that said...you suffered in grammer because of a lack of puncuation. Also, spelling suffered because of things like "becuz". I didn't like how it was structured, but others may. It just didn't seem to suit the style of writing. It was fairly original, and the story was compelling enough. But...I don't think I got the jist of what exactly happened in the end, though you may have been going more for symbolism. Overall, well written.

[torrid mind]

hahaha yes i knew id get that kinda thing on gramer/spelling oh well
gee i thought i made it very clear at the end that he killed himself...
but yha the ending was supposed to be a little whatever the word is..

[shortys_girl]

*sniff*

that was beautiful,torrid.That was really fantastic work.

[Abominable Pamma]

Originally posted by shortys_girl
*sniff*

that was beautiful,[put space here]torrid.[put space here]That was really fantastic work.

[shortys_girl]

Are you going to do that to every post of mine? I might as well add punctuation correctly then so I dont have to read it over again.