My story.

[l33t 0n3]

This is a draft of Part 1...

The life of Pvt. Jon
Based on Starcraft

I, being Private Jon of the 31st barrier spent most of my worthless life in the army. I spent my life "protecting the inniocent lives of those in our colonies" or whatever the commercial that made me do this said. Really, I spent most of my time licking the boots of my superiors and kissing ass for bread and water. There were a few other lowlifes, most of wich killed themselves or killed someone else. Jail was better than this job, and guess what? We don't get payed for it. I miss my family, but I guess if I ever broke out, I would look so run down, they would just ignore me. There were some nice people of high rank. The only one I met was named Xal`Agis. He was a protoss captive, a Zealot officer. He decided to join us, after we gave him the usual choices. A long life of suffering, or a job in the army. Xal`Agis was a skilled warrior, and most of our army would drop their guns and look while he tore through the flesh of men.

Xal`Agis was assigned a special mission. This mission was to assasinate a betrayer in the colony. This sounds simple, huh? Think again, the man he needs to kill is one of the most feared men in the galaxy. He goes with no name, moves with no image, runs as no speed. He takes form of random humans and uses them to do bad to our world. A long time ago, people would call this "insanity" and blame it on a defect in the brain. This was all a lie, the shadow did this to people. Xal`Agis decided to bring me along, and I guessed he needed a human shield. For the first time, I was allowed to carry a battle Shotgun. This was designed to kill someone in one shot, utterly conbusting their body into a mist of blood. Xal`Agis carried two Psi-blades and a C-10 Canister Rifle. I was also issued a C-10 but the shotgun impressed me more. C-10's were designed for a powerful and accurate burst of shells from a long range, usually laying several neat holes in the chest.

Two days later, we entered the main city. Xal`Agis lead me down a dark alley, abd shoved me into a dirty room. I could barely see the wall, not because of a lack of light, but it was so encrusted in vomit and other hardened green substances that it hardly looked real. The floors were sticky with old uren and dead rats. Xal`Agis turned into a ghostlife form and walked with no fear of vomitus stalactites falling. I made my way through the room into a ramshackle hallway. This hall looked like it was shot by a million rounds of a guass rifle and then a giant skyscraper fell on it. I saw a man huddled into a corner, inhaling some sort of illegal drug. He pulled out a knife and walked up to me. Poking me with the sharp point, he said (in a rather insane voice) "Hey get off of my territory, man, or i'll cut you so bad... You'll wish I... Never cut you!" Using my occular implants, I detected a large amount of blood on the blade. I pulled out the shotgun and said, "Do you want to fück with me?" Suddenly Xal`Agis screamed, "NOOOOOO! DO NOT, THIS MAN IS POSESSED MY THE SHADOW!" but it was too late. The man seemed crippled and frail. He threw the knife at Xal`Agis, hitting him in the left arm, then kicked me 31 times in one second with so much force, I felt like I broke every bone in my lower body. About 10 minutes later, I awoke in my bloody pool. Xal`Agis was fighting the man still, but looked weak. Using my torn muscles, I managed to sit upwards. I pulled out the C-10 and shot like crazy. I hit Xal`Agis twice (by accident) but the shadow so many times, it looked worse than me! Suddenly, the man conbusted into millions of fragments. Blood flew everywhere, in a mistlike form. Suddenly, the color in Xal`Agis' eyes changed from a pale, loving green, to the same red bloody color as the man had...

Great writings... though the name can use some revamping.

[Emperor Pan I]

Story 7/10
originality 8/10
style 6/10
structured 7/10
Spelling/Grammer 5/10
Overall 7/10

Reviewers Comments


I found a couple errors, but is pretty easy to understand. Cool story, nice writting. cant wait to hear more.

[Ninjastar29]

Yeah really cool. Great job.

[l33t 0n3]

well I left spellcheck off, so meh... Ill have to put it back on now that my anti spellcheck teacher's report is done

[Ben Dover2]

well saying that it took you 15 minutes to write, I agree that this is a good piece, 8/10 even though you are banned and cannot read this... Since you *wanted* mod here, I guess I will do as you did... Kiss much ass... I will fuful your legacy man...

[Chris]

Hellwolf's Rating ---> 8/10

I was going to give you a 7 but that avatar of yours is forcing me to increase.

[Unknown_Being]

Nice story so far. So this guy is like a Protoss dude that uses before unheard of levels of psionics that can beat the sh!t out of the Overmind, right? It would make sense, considering a pair of DT's combined can control the thousands of ppl on a BC, and overide the computer systems. God that's f*cking powerful considering it takes a hella lot of energy to just make a marine do your bidding.(if you're the Dark Archon)

[Unknown_Being]

Although... the Zlot.. a Protoss would prolly rather be tortured to death than become an ally with the humans because it was one of their choices when they became a P.O.W. Also, notice the name "Zealot"? You know what Zealot means, right...?

[Wing Zero]

1 thing i dont get does he play starcraft?

Story 9/10
originality 9/10
style 7/10
structured 8/10
Spelling/Grammer 7/10
Overall 9/10