Peotry for the Emo/Goth In You

[Final Warrior]

I appreciate constructive comments. No BS like "OMG LOLZ taht sux!" or "u ghay fahg emo" and crap like that.

This one I wrote when I had some... hardcore romatic troubles. I decided to go back to doing what I do best: spend an obscene amount of time on the computer and at the TV. I wrote this after my mom played "Concrete Angel" from her computer at max volume, right next to my ear.

Iron Angel

The story of the shell of a boy
and his only love

Souless eyes of yours
Stare into mine.
Heart of stone
Skin so cold,
My Iron Angel.

I sought company and companions.
And I found you.
I sought a little comfort
From this cold world.
And I found you.

In your arms
Here I lay.
Wishing for Death to comfort me.
But instead he sends
You.
My Iron Angel.

Cold metal
On colder flesh
Eyes of iron
stare into eyes dead.
My Iron Angel
You have given me all the comfort
And love
That I sought

Iron Angel, you have given me
What this cruel world kept.
Forsaken that I am.
Your arms so cold.
Comfort me.
My Iron Angel.

Now two eyes weep
Tears of sorrow
I for you.
And you for I.
My Iron Angel.
You awaken.
And see your charge
For what he is.

Now two hearts beat
as this story ends.
The Angel loves
As does the shell.

-- Griffinhart

[CelestialBadger]

I'll try again:

It's really bad. It's cliche and unispired. The structure reeks of stereotypically bad free verse convention. Your lack of metaphor, actually any kind of poetic device, is boring.

[Final Warrior]

Thank you for clarifying that. ^_^

I'm sorry for the lack of rhyme, but I'm not good at that. I prefer free-form. *Shrugs* Just how I am. Also, there wasn't any metaphor because Iron Angel isn't a metaphor poem.

And of course it's cliche. It's kind of supposed to be.

Now then, another poem. It's also very cliche. I worte it for Valentine's Day, for no one in particular.

Perfect Mask

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Love kills us all
So this poem's for you.

In Life and Death
I loved you.
Asleep and awake
I held you.

But now my roses are wilted
The violets are dead.
My heart's cold
Now I bleed red.

When I'm not around, everythng's perfect.
When I'm not here, everything's fine.
But open your eyes.
Because I'm still watching.

My invisibility is the perfect mask
Hidden forever, my face.
When I shed my mask
Forever scarred, this place.

So the roses are black
The violets are too.
I hope you're smiling
This one's for you.

-- Griffinhart

[Hot Action Akule]

Originally Posted by CelestialBadger

I'll try again:

It's really bad. It's cliche and unispired. The structure reeks of stereotypically bad free verse convention. Your lack of metaphor, actually any kind of poetic device, is boring.

not to mention hes a giant pussy.

[CelestialBadger]

It doesn't have anything to do with it being free verse. It's just that it's bad.

[Final Warrior]

Originally Posted by cRaPtaLoS

not to mention hes a giant pussy.

Cronstructive criticism relating to the poetry, please. I personally don't care for your opinions about me, as you (like many others) don't really matter in the long run. After all, we all die someday.

@CelestialBadger: I'm sorry you feel that way. But at least your constructive criticism helped, somewhat.

-- Griffinhart

[Fei_Rushes]

harsh crowd.. I think it's hard to say what's bad and what's not with poetry if it's a convection of what your heart and soul are trying to proclaim, and also if your not comparing it to everyone else's work. That's like judging someone's emotions..

[x42bn6]

Unfortunately, it's pretty cliché, but it did send a shiver down my back in the end. Here are the clichéd lines:

I sought company and companions.
And I found you.

I for you.
And you for I.

The ending is lovely, though. Who would've thought a shell would be so ironically weird and inappropriately interpreted?*

[Final Warrior]

Thank you for the comments. I know it's pretty clichéd; that's just how I like to work. *Shrugs*

Now then, a new poem.

Angels

Justified in existence
What are we but damned Angels?
No purpose or meaning in our persistence
What are we but wingless seraphs?
Sainthood in martyr's blood
Dancing on the funeral pyre
Black lace and white studs
Angel's wings burning in fire.

Mere mortal toys
So easily broken, so easily forgotten
Kiss the girls and kill the boys
The only thing left for he with everything.

"He's a rich man,
She's his wife; can't be a harlot."
Damned Angels fallen from the sky
Memories of a past and future spot
Blood for the perfect red dye.

Senseless in our musings
Only in Death do we know the truth
Nothing but a burden, ever confusing
Come to Earth, your Black Seraphim
Damned in Sin

Smell that? Incense in Death, Beauty in horror
Scent of Heaven's hate
The last in burning
Holy fires untouchable
Feathers alight,
T'is the Angel's wings aflame!

-- Griffinhart

[Renzokuken]

Why did you use the word angel, then seraph? They mean the same thing...

[TrOiK]

Im really hoping this wasant a song and just a peom becuased it sucked like ass.