| K, first of all in the beginning it seemed like you were making definite strides towards better meter, but then you just sort of ditched it at the end and it turned into a meterless rhyming mess.
I'm not sure I really like the idea of couplets. They could work in certain instances, but for the length and theme of the poem the couplets make it sort of just plod along, definitely not something that you want to convey in a love poem. Especially rhymes like "life" and "strife", "world" and "girl"...ditch that ****. It just comes across as extremely cliche.
The biggest thing though, is that you're basically writing like prose. Poetry wants to speak in metaphor. If you want to write prose than write prose. If you want to write prose poetry, that's cool too, just make it deeper and more meaningful than just straight out saying "I love you". That's the job of an elementary school love note, not really poetry.
There. Tried to be nice. Hope that helped somewhat.
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