Do you guys like this?

[Jason]

I was bored one day, and I like writing poetry from time to time. (Just every so often.) Well I have a girlfriend, and she loves poetry so I decided to write this poem for her one day. She loved it. It made her speechless actually. Anyways I'm bored so I'll ask your opinions of it.

Note: I don't care if you have some awesome poetry because chances are I don't want to read it. Not right now at least. So try to just give me opinions on my poem and not post your own. Thanks.

Cruel is the vacancy between our loving touch
Her loving embrace steals the breath right from my lungs
My heart begins to race -- her voice is like a song
I've began to understand with our love growing strong
I know I'll be with her until time itself is gone

Fear consumes my every thought, but fear itself is easily fought
It's living inside us; the pathway to bliss,
I know this much, I swear, I can taste it in her kiss
Things come together and prove my theories just
Grasping at these feelings, in my heart I trust

With a prayer I tell of my everlasting love
Please bring to me, a sight from above
The mesmorizing flight of the early morning dove
This temptress, my mistress, she's what I dream of

My fight, this night; a challenge of will
I'm dying without her, this can't be real
I need to hold on, I need to cope
Can I do this? I'll survive..I hope

Fill in the rest with the thoughts of lust
Escape the norms, it's something you must
For me you're there, I know, I trust
For you I'm here, love gathers no dust

I thought it was pretty good. How about you?

[SouLess]

Pros:

Good Imagry.
Not too short, not too long.
Well thought out.

Cons:

Rhyme scheme is a bit off in the first and second stanza.
Goes in many directions, and is a bit confusing (or would be for people, if they didn't read a lot of poetry)
First two stanzas are a bit wordy compared to the rest, or the third, fourth and fifth arn't wordy enough.

Overall it's pretty good. There wasn't a lot of negative things that stuck out, just the few things that most people will be able to see.

I love the last stanza though, it's just so...I don't know, just so simple, yet it's a lot more than just that...

Good work, I'de like to see more of your work

[Jason]

Akule go back to fuc'king yourself, asshole.

GM: It's not meant to rhyme completely. It's just my style haha. I've got 3 more saved that I can show you. Make a poetry thread or something and I'll post them.

[Beer $lut]

O M F G


but fo real that touched me man, i have not feelled like this in long time thank you for sharing me with this.

[Zerglite]

too emo for my tastes.. i didnt even bother to read it all after the first line

[Darkmatter]

Sounds like something a big hairy bear like VizjereiMage would write, thats for sure.

I love it. It has intense feeling to it, but its not overly complicated as far as words go either. Since she loved it too, you can actually feel proud that you wrote that out of boredom. But we all know what you were thinking when you wrote the last stanza.

[Hitsua]

It's good, but sadly poetry doesn't impress me.

[Jason]

Calling it emo is ignorant. Any poem is 'emo' because 'emo' is short for 'emotional'. Poetry is mostly derived from one emotion or another. Congratulations on your bleak minds.

For the compliments, though, thank you.

[Roach Of Discord]

Not bad. My only problem, is that it doesn't flow very well. It has nice wording though...it's much better than previous poetry you've posted. Your writing ability has definitely grown.

[Jason]

Practice makes perfect. Remember how horrible my first graphics were?

[B~E]

Thats talent, I'll admit it, but I never, ever been able to enjoy poetry. I doesn't touch me.

[Velvet]

I like it =)
sounds good

[CelestialBadger]

Sorry, but I wasn't impressed. Nothing personal, but high school relationships simply do not make good subjects for poetry.

I think you'll really mature as a poet if you leave teen love/angst out of your poetry (Not that I'm telling you to leave emotion out of it).

[Jason]

If this was written by a 30 year old to his wife then what would your opinion be of it? Try not to look at it as a high school relationship poem.

[Jenny]

I liked it. I don't know much about poems and such, but it was an enjoyable read.

It doesn't matter if this was based on a highschool relationship or a thirty year relationship. Your thoughts and feelings will not change drastically as you age, just your writing skills.

I believe Highschool is one of the best times to write an emotional poem or such simply because through-out highschool (Or rather your younger years) is probably when you'll be most emotional. (For the most part)

Good job.

The only time emo is bad is when you're trying to be a homosexual like Diatenshi

[Jason]

Thanks! I agree with you as well.

[Jenny]

One thing I did notice is the rhyming was kind of boring.

Lust/Trust/Dust/Must all in a row.

I'm sure you will improve over time. My advice would be to use a Thesarus, or something. I always used one when I had to write Essays and such.

[CelestialBadger]

If this was written by a 30 year old to his wife then what would your opinion be of it? Try not to look at it as a high school relationship poem.

If it were written by a 30 year old to his wife hopefully it wouldn't sound like it was written by a high-schooler in heat. I would say the main difference between high school angst and poetry is that high school angst tends to bash the reader in the teeth with their feelings of love. For instance:

Eyes toward the skies I ponder how our love
Goes on eternal, stretching past the stars.
How it is purer than the pure white dove,
And cannot be contained by hatred's bars.

Meh, once stanza, averaged 2 minutes.

[Sakuhta]

Originally Posted by Diatenshi

too emo for my tastes.. i didnt even bother to read it all after the first line

Exactly what I thought. Vizjerei don't you mean you wrote this to your boyfriend?

[CelestialBadger]

LOL, U CALLED HIM GAY!!!