[ORC-r0x0r-ROC]

I will correct any spelling mistakes (I know you can't help it, after all English is your second language) Oh wait there isn't many mistakes

Originally posted by Otmorozok
I wrote few paragraphs, what you people think? Should i continue writing this?

Made some corrections

Come on people, tell me how much it sucks

The bullets were flying everythere, Everywhere our commandShouldn't that be commander? or are you referring to a HQ of some sort told us to stay still and we did. Last 20 hours were full of pain, and to think that just 3 months ago I was in school, getting my diploma. Year is 2137, Germans have begun WW3, we are loosing, allies are loosing. Americans have just been pounded out of their inner circle of colonies. Our own Russian front is shrinking rapidly and soon we will have to fight in our own solar system. Right now we are on a planet “Rostov-na-Donu” and if we fail here then German advance into Russian inner circle of planets is secured. It is kind of funny, we are a human race, we are the rulers of the universe, our space ships colonize the farthest planets on the farthest reaches of the universe
I'm not really sure on this one, I checked it in spell check nad it had no quarrels but should these be furthest? I don't really know, both could work , yet still we use the same bullets, yet still we kill each over power. I myself like many from my division am from “New Novgorod” a colony hidden far in the Russian controlled space.

Time came for another attack. Artillery hit, Germans have activated their shields, the familiar noise of radiation bouncing of the magnetic field. Enemy’s shields have just taken a hit, and are about to loose their energy, we must run to them until they recharge again.

We ran, we ran, and then we ran some more. First shots have fired from our side, the soldier near me fell with a bullet in the neck, reinforced plastic armor, cant save you from a titanium bullet if you are hit from a close distance. People kept falling down, I threw first grenade, silent explosion, and the sound unlike none other, man dying from being burned alive by liquid fire. We stepped in the trench, a young boy, 15-17 years old aimed at me with his Shmauser, the finger squeezed the trigger but I was faster, my bullet hit him straight in the head and his shitWeird word to use was fired in the air, as he was falling down.

Four more hours and we have taken the trench, suddenly hour division commander has asked for our attention.

“Good news, we are gonna be leaving this rock in 3 hours, high command has decided to nuke this rock, then Jiglov go tell others to pack up, Menshikov, help him. They gonna drop the nukes at 17:00 hours, no one gonna wait for us to leave. –
Then he turned to me- Orlov, I need you to select 20 best men from your squadron and wait in this trench while we get back to the pods, you will be given the command to retreat”

“Will do, comrade captain- I left thinking about the people in my squadron who have no relatives, who are ready too die.

“Kuzmich, hey Kuzmich go tell the squadron to meet me here”- in 10 minutes, it was done. –“alright people I know what you thinking, you are thinking that whoever I choose will certainly be killed. You are probably right, so I am gonna let you decide who goes and who leaves.”

Finally it was decided 20 men stepped forward, all were veterans, and lost everything they had to the war.

“Alright. Take you positions, Germans are gonna advance at the first sight of our troops retreating, we got to be ready. We will only have to hold them for 3 hours, it shouldn’t be too hard.”- Who was I kidding? Those people were going to die, every one of them, and they knew it, they already have gone through water and fire, they cannot be fooled.

The retreat signal for main forces was given, troops started to move out. Then came the wait, I laid my gone Do you mean gun? Or maybe it is a name for a gun or something ese... in which case make it more obvious, in English gone means something that doesn't make sense in this context on my knees, and started looking in the direction of enemy advance. They attacked 40 minutes later. I heard one of the soldiers scream, then more shots came, we activated shields just in time. Artillery fell and then the smoke cleared I saw the German army. Ten thousand at least, against 20. I ordered retreat to a safer position but it was too late, they came into the trench, my AM-250 started to get hot, from all the bullets fired. Then I was shot. I screamed something, The comma should be a ; (semi colon) pain in the shoulder was too great to bear. Then artillery hit again. I fell and I seen all the rest of my people fell with me. Faces full of fear and pain. With no shields to protect us, artillery destroyed those who were handling the machine guns and Germans went through the trench, they didn’t try to kill the dying the radiation from artillery shells will kill those who are wounded. Darkness took me.

I woke up in a room field with light, I had no wounds on me. Suddenly something walked in. It looked like a rat crossbred with a chimpanzee, exept it was the size of a guerrilla. It walked on two feet, it carried some kind of weapon I never seen, a gun but it had a peace of glass in the place there the bullets were supposed to come out.
The alien was thin, really thin. He set down near me, put his weapon aside and placed his hands on his head. I felt like I was in a pot of cold water.

This is really good, there are no definite spelling mistakes that I can see and the grammar used is excellent. You put this through a spell checker, which everyone should do before posting on fan-fiction. I will now go through my general marking.


Spelling + grammar: 9.5/10 It is extremely good, there are the fair share of uncertainties and very minor mistakes but that's all they are, uncertainties. You used all the punctuation correctly and I don't think you needed to use any more of the wide range of punctuation available. You managed to make the story actually go faster at the action parts, very well thought out.

Originality: 7.5/10 I have not seen a story like this so far. But the terms like "shield" and the basis of the story: Space, War. These are quite common but this is a really good start to a space action story. The way I see it, it doesn't have to be completely original, it's better to stick with comfortable and familiar terms like "shield" instead of making a completely new startreki language (lol). You made up name for guns and planets ect. It separates itself from the usual space war stories some how, the story does not revolve around Earth and the all little details.

Content: 8.5/10 I have some constructive criticism, with some alterations this could easily become a 9. Firstly, how could it be a World War if it is based in space? I don't think they would be Russians because it seems like they have been in space for a long time. Just add in that the different countries separated and went to different parts of space and you are the descendants of Russians(you could also say that the countries evolved a bit differently and that the Russians became large and tall and the yanks became smallish ). You have plenty of patronism (without I would doubt it was yours ^^). In general the content is very good you have wars, aliens kidnappings, you getting shot and you have managed to hit a good action story on the nose.

Overall: 8.5/10 For a amatuer it is a very good start to a hopefully even better story. It's got plenty of the vital elements that a good writer needs. This could easily become a 9 with some modifications.