[bamthedoc]

Ya... Suggestion might be to think out the plot a bit more before writing. It looks like you have the basic idea down, and that looks interesting. The problem is that there just isn't enough here in the way of plot and driving force.

Also, try to expand it. A lot happened in that paragraph. It likely would be better if you spread it out to include dialouge and maybe more action and description.

Hope that helps.