| I like your style. It flows well. You make good use of punctuation and you seem to have a solid grasp of the English language in terms of diction.
One suggestion: run over this and check for grammatical errors. It's riddled with various litte errors and some bigger ones, but nothing huge or horribly bothersome. For instance, in your first paragraph, the person and hearing the "cries, pleading, and screaming" and feeling the "flames which do not cease their inconvenient torrid" unexpectedly changes from I (the narrator) to you (the reader). If this was intentional, then it should be more clear; otherwise, it should be one or the other.
I'd be interested to see you post a revision of this. Perhaps one that goes into more detail. Each of these short paragraphs seem to be capable of becoming chapters of a compelling novel. |