[Magikarp]

***Note: My post contains spoilers of this story, so if you haven't read it yet, don't read my post.***

I probably should have done this a long time ago, but I decided to read through the whole thing and give you a review you deserve, Az. ^^;.

Excellent story. I figured that since you were writing it, it would be decent, but, wow. Holy shit, this was good.

For one, I thought it was cool how you desiged the story from two different angles: the "trial" version, and the real version. It takes quite a bit of talent to make a story that appears convincing (the trial story) but then later dissaprove it by showing what really happened. Well done.

To be honest, I suspected foul play after Jon was dropped off at the hotel. Since you set up the story describing the relationship between two women and one man, I was expecting this. I actually thought she would drive back to the hotel, and there Jon and Michelle would do the deed. Which leads me to my next point: you convinced me, while I was reading, that that wasn't the case, which completely threw me off and surprised me (Well done, again).

The depressing, rainy atmosphere is set up well. The way you described the heat coming into the car, the windshield, the tears, gave the story a "grungy" feel to it (Not exactly the word I was looking for, but you know what I mean).

I thought your imagery, personification, and general writing was very good. Some stuff that I liked:

[quote]putting her forehead on the steering wheel and looking at the back of her eyelids[quote]

It dug into her head like a tick, refusing to remove itself from her thoughts.

The opportunities ahead of her seemed as infinite as the stars above her.

I also thought the transition from the court room into the "trial story" and the transition from the trial to the "real story" were both very good. It gave me a feeling like I was being sucked in, something I have trouble capturing.

After that, some people said the only thing the two sisters had in common was their jealousy.

I'm probably nitpicking here, but I'm not too sure what you meant by this. Marie isn't jealous of Michelle for any reason, is she? If you meant they both desired Jon, wouldn't it have been better if it was "the only thing the two sisters had in common was their desire for Jon"?

Anyway, great story man. Sorry I didn't write this earlier. Keep writing!

P.S. I haven't seen you on AIM all that often, where are you?