| Leviathan, you're just a poo face.
Don't listen to him S.S trunks, bloody flamers.
I am giving helpfull advice, don't take it as flaming. I love writing stories myself. (Many worse than the worst thing you've ever read.) What you need to do it figure out where the paragraphs are supposed to be, then put in a few more commas, alot of the sentences were too long.
I understood the message you were getting across, heh heh, cool vampyres (i like spelling stuff wierd).
I am one of the people who find a whole mass of words really hard to keep track of.
If you have paragraphs then it will be easy to keep track of and give the story a visual form.
Maybe try using the 'return' key after these sentences:
'and embraced me'
'aside like a rag doll'
'pain and pleasure fused and entwined'
'used to suck in liguid' <-- spelling mistake (just to point out)
that's all you need for paragraphs to make it easier to read.
And to make the ending maybe a slight bit better, put and elipsis (...) before you say 'i would love it more'.
Other wise this is very good.
screw the flamers, i can come up with words none of them could even begin to comprehend, it is just funny watching.
Keep writing this story! It could be really good!
(And maybe read mine? 9-9 puppy dog eyes (i know bamthedoc doesn't like puppy dog eyes but ...... he he) my story is called Moon Clan.)
^-^ write on!!! |